Harry Potter and the OFSTED inspection
by Ravenclaw's Graduate
Summary: In his sixth year at Hogwarts, Harry is faced with an evil greater than any he has seen before, an evil so huge that all wizards, whatever their loyalties, must band together to survive it... COMPLETE!
1. A brief explanation

This section contains an explanation that I feel will be necessary to the story. The actually story starts in the next chapter. Please take the time to read this before you go on, as any confused reviews will be laughed at.

A brief explanation of the English school system. This is mostly for the benefit of those of you who haven't been part of the UK education system.

For the purpose of this story, I will treat Hogwarts as an _English school, as opposed to a __British school. This is relevant, because the regulations are slightly different for England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. I went to school in England, and my mother was a teacher in England, so this is the system I know and understand. In Wales, the Welsh language is a compulsory part of the curriculum. In Scotland there are different regulations and names for things than there are in England, and I believe that this is also the case in Northern Ireland. _

I know that Hogwarts is almost certainly in Scotland, but I don't know enough about the Scottish education system to be able to write this properly, which why I'm assuming that Hogwarts is English. If you're Scottish, Welsh or from Northern Ireland, and I've got something wrong, feel free to correct me. 

In England, school life goes as follows…

At the age of four or five you start school, and go into _Reception class. This is the official name for this class, although in many schools it's actually known by a different name. This is the academic year (September - August) in which you turn 5. Through most of England, the next years are in the same school, which is often divided into two section, infants and juniors. These are the Years numbered 1 - 6. The National Curriculum divides these into Key Stages 1 and 2, which are: Key Stage 1 - Reception to Year 3, Key Stage 2 - Year 4 to Year 6. _

Secondary School begins with Year 7. This is equivalent to the First Year at Hogwarts. Key Stage 3 covers Years 7, 8 and 9, and Key Stage 4 covers Years 10 and 11, finishing with the GCSEs (General Certificate of Secondary Education) Depending on the school, an average student will take between nine and eleven GCSEs. English, Maths and Science are compulsory. In some years a modern language is also compulsory, although not always. Some form of Design and Technology is usually compulsory too.

Each Key Stage is a set of guidelines covering what a student should learn during this period. 

At the end of Year 11, a student will be 16 years old and education will no longer be compulsory. Any students wishing to continue studying then go on to sixth form. (The name remains from a time when Years 7 -11 were known as the first - fifth years of secondary school, as they are at Hogwarts.) Many sixth forms are independent, but some are attached to secondary schools, particularly at private schools (such as Hogwarts…)

The two years at Sixth form ("College") lead up to the GCE 'A' levels. (General Certificate of Education, Advanced Level. The GCSEs were originally known as GCE Ordinary levels, which is why my parents still refer to them as 'O' levels.) Under current, relatively new guidelines, students study for 'AS' (Advanced Supplementary) levels in their first year (and AS is worth half an A level), and then continue with three of these subjects to full A level in the second year. When I was at sixth form (1997 -1999) I took three A levels for two years, as students have done for years, and apparently the new system isn't as good…

The Hogwarts equivalents of the GCSEs are the OWLs, and the equivalent of the A levels are the N.E.W.T. s. But you probably worked that out on your own…

All schools and sixth forms are subject to inspection, by a body known as OFSTED. (Office For STandards in EDucation.) A school will have at least a term's notice, and is inspected every four years. OFSTED inspect teaching standards, the paperwork behind the teaching, and the facilities. A school not up to standard can be put on "special measures", given a certain amount of time to sort itself out, then re-inspected and either given a better grade or closed down… A school approaching an OFSTED inspection will therefore be full of new paint and panicking teachers.


	2. 1. Something very wrong

Disclaimer: Everything except the plot belongs to JK Rowling and not to me.

The first indication that something was wrong was the list of school supplies.

The section headed "Uniform", in addition to the usual items, contained the following things:

Boys: Two pairs standard trousers, grey

            Three shirts, white, button neck

            One pair football boots (optional)

Girls:   Two standard skirts, grey

            Three blouses, white, button neck

            One netball skirt, black

All students:   

Two school jumpers, in house colours (Not First Years)

            One Tie,  in house colours (Not First Years)

            Plain black lace up shoes

Two t-shirts, with house crest (Not First Years)

            One pair shorts, black

            One tracksuit, black

            One pair trainers

            One lab coat, white

The list of textbooks contained a number of Muggle school texts. At the bottom of the page the following note could be read.

_Parents are reassured that all Muggle supplies listed can be bought at either Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions__ or Florish and Blotts. __Students from Muggle families may buy their supplies from any Muggle shop, with the exception of those items in house colours or bearing the school crests. Students are encouraged to bring two complete sets of Muggle casual clothing. No Muggle items are to be bewitched under any circumstances. _

Harry was stunned. Why did they need so many Muggle things this year? What was going on?

Hermione seemed to be thrilled that there were so many extra subjects on the timetable, although she confessed to being worried about how this would affect their studies for next year's N.E.W.T exams. Ron thought that Dumbledore had finally gone totally mad, although Mr Weasley was ecstatic to have an excuse to buy more Muggle things. With only Ron and Ginny still at Hogwarts, it was slightly easier to finance the extra school supplies.

On September 1st, every student was talking and wondering about the changes to the list. Young wizards and witches from totally wizarding families were confused by some of the things that they'd bought, whilst those with Muggle parents finally had the chance to sound superior.

When Harry commented on this, Ron pointed out that Hermione had always sounded superior. She hit him, and they laughed as the settled into an empty carriage on the Hogwarts Express. 

"Hey Harry, Ron, Hermione!" Dean Thomas burst into their carriage, wearing a West Ham football shirt and a huge grin. "Did you hear? We'll be playing football this year!"

"Why? What's going on?" Harry couldn't help grinning at the look of horror on Ron's face. He'd spent four years telling boys from Muggle backgrounds that football was nowhere near as good as Quidditch and couldn't possibly be difficult to learn, and now it looked like he'd have to prove it.

"I don't know." Dean sat down in an empty seat. "I don't get why we have to have all these Muggle things. Still, it'll be fun to have a change."

"Do you remember much from junior school?" Hermione looked up from the Muggle textbook she was reading. Dean shook his head.

"Not really. And my cousin, who's a first year in a Muggle secondary school, says everything's much harder once you leave juniors."

"Maybe we've just got extra Muggle studies or something this year." Harry suggested. "It wouldn't do us any harm, most people from wizarding families don't fit in at all in the Muggle world." Seeing Ron starting to look cross, he added. "Remember the Quidditch World Cup? The man that ran the campsite thought we were all very odd." Ron had to admit that Harry had a point.

"Maybe that's it then." Dean stood up. "I'm going to find Seamus and tell him what you said. It makes sense."

Hermione and Ron had accepted Harry's idea as the most likely explanation, but Harry couldn't help feeling that there might be a more sinister reason behind it.

"Potter. Weasley, Granger." A voice that should have been a drawl, but wasn't. Draco Malfoy stood in the doorway to their compartment, on his own for once and without his superior expression.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" Harry reached automatically for his wand.

"A truce."

"A truce, Malfoy?"

"A truce, Potter."

"Err, why?"

"Because we need to stick together this year. All witches and wizards."

"Even me?" Hermione interjected. Malfoy nodded.

"Especially you."

"What's going on?" Ron said, rather too loudly. "What are you up to, Malfoy?"

"You mean you don't know? Well, Dumbledore will explain at school, I'm sure."  When Ron opened his mouth to protest, Malfoy waved a hand to shut him up. "He'll explain a lot better than I can. But we have to work together this year, against something that we can't afford to lose to."

"Have you gone mad, Malfoy?" Harry suddenly found his voice. Malfoy looked at him for a moment.

"If you don't believe me, then wait until we get to school. When Dumbledore's told you what's going on, then remember I want to call a truce, okay?" Malfoy disappeared along the train, his robes billowing slightly.

"I wonder what happened to him over the summer? Did he fall on his head or something?" Ron's comment made Hermione laugh, but Harry couldn't help wondering what could be so dangerous that Malfoy wanted to befriend Hermione.

The rest of the journey to school passed as normal. The horseless carriages were waiting for the second year and above students, whilst Hagrid gathered the first years for their journey across the lake.

There were uneasy whispers flying across the Great Hall as the students settled to wait for the Sorting. Harry fiddled nervously with his cutlery when he heard somebody passing on his explanation for the extra supplies. He didn't believe it himself any more, plausible though it had seemed at the time.

The Sorting seemed to take forever, as they waited for the moment when Dumbledore would explain. Finally the sorting was complete, and the headmaster stood up.

"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts!" He said. "Before we eat, I must explain the extra items that appeared on your school list this year. Through some inexplicable error, which we cannot understand and cannot rectify, at the end of January Hogwarts is to undergo an OFSTED inspection."

There was a babble of noise. Students from wizarding families looked confused. Students from Muggle families looked worried. At the Ravenclaw table, one of the fifth year Muggle girls fainted.

"As we cannot prevent this event from taking place," Albus Dumbledore's voice rose above the chatter, "we must work together to get through it. I need each and every one of you to help me get Hogwarts through to February unscathed. After dinner, your Heads of Houses will explain to you exactly what is to happen here over the next few months. For now, I will just introduce to you Mr Harris, who will be joining our staff temporarily in the department of Muggle Studies, which will now be extended as a compulsory subject for all students, including those of you from Muggle families, who will need to assist your fellow students to the best of your abilities. 

Mr Harris was a middle aged man in a brown suit. He looked entirely Muggle apart from his calm, relaxed air in such a magical environment.

The headmaster sat down, and food materialised on the tables. As he helped himself to roast potatoes, Harry glanced over at the Slytherin table. Now he understood why Malfoy wanted to call a truce. As a member of an old wizarding family, it was important to him that Hogwarts survive this encounter. He also had little personal experience of the Muggle world which they would have to impersonate faultlessly. Harry caught Malfoy's eye and nodded, no show that he also wanted a truce. The look of relief on Malfoy's face made him want to laugh, although he managed not to.


	3. 2. The teachers explain

Disclaimer: Everything except the plot belongs to JK Rowling and not to me

"Right then, Gryffindor, listen to me." Professor McGonagall clapped her hands for silence. The students gathered in the Gryffindor common room stopped talked and waited for an explanation.

"An OFSTED inspection is a Muggle inspection of schools, where a team of people spend a week in a school to check that the teaching, paperwork and facilities are up to standard. Obviously Hogwarts should have nothing to do with the Muggle education system, but somehow we have ended up on a list somewhere. We have tried everything to rectify the situation, but it seems that the Muggles at OFSTED are unaffected by any kind of magic. Therefore we only have one choice. For the last week of January, we must appear to be a Muggle school. We must also be able to present work done by our students since the beginning of the year for them to asses our overall teaching standard." The look on Professor McGonagall's face made it seem that just the thought of this made her ill.

"Therefore, you will be taking classes in Muggle subjects. Until Christmas, you will have four hours of Muggle Studies a week, irrespective of your family background. Those of you from Muggle families will be needed to assist your classmates in matters concerning fashion and issues concerning Muggles your own age, as no teacher can ever be totally accurate in describing why young people act the way they do." She clearly hated to admit this. "Those of you due to take OWLs or N.E.W.Ts this year will be coached as best as we can in your magical subjects. We do not intend for any student to fall behind in their magical studies any more than we can possibly help. Thos of you who chose not to take Muggle Studies for your OWLs or N.E.W.Ts may exchange one of your options for this subject, in which you will be almost guaranteed a pass after the next few months work. The exam dates will be put back as far as possible to give you longer to study after the inspectors have gone." She held up a hand to stem the indignant rumble.

"I realise that this will mean extra work for all of you, as it does for the staff, but let me explain the potential consequences of this inspection. If Hogwarts does not pass the inspection, then there will be more inspectors visiting more often, and it could lead to them replacing the Headmaster, or even closing the school. If we can get through this inspection, however, we have four years to work on rectifying the problem and making sure that we never have to go through such difficulties again. Any questions?"

"What subjects will we need to take?" One of the second years from a wizarding family. McGonagall sighed.

"Those of you in what we will now be calling the 'Lower School', that is the first three years, will have a compulsory curriculum. You will take Maths, English, Science, History, Geography, Art, Music, Drama, a modern foreign language, Religious studies, Design Technology and Physical education. Those of you in the 'Upper School', that's the fourth and fifth years, will take Maths, English, Science, Design Technology, a modern language, and between two and four other subjects from those studied by the lower school, of your own choice. Those of you in the sixth year, now to be known as the 'Lower Sixth' will take five subjects, preferably including Maths or English, of your own choice, from a slightly wider choice which will be explained to you tomorrow. Those of you in the seventh year, or 'Upper Sixth', will take three subjects, of your own choice from the same list as those in the lower sixth."

Everybody looked confused.

"Don't worry, it will all be explained to you again tomorrow. Here are the timetables for the Lower School." She handed out timetables to the first, second and third years. You will notice that each lesson is currently marked only by the teacher's name and the classroom, not by subject, which you will fill in yourselves later. There will, as I said, be compulsory Muggle studies for all student, however for the Upper School and Sixth Form, these will have to fit in around your subject choices and you may find yourself studying with students from other years." She produced a pile of booklets and began distributing them to the older students. "These are your 'Choices' booklets, they outline the subjects you can choose to study, and how many subjects you can take at your level of study, to help you make your choices for tomorrow. I recommend that you study these carefully before the meeting tomorrow afternoon at which you will make your choices."

Harry looked down at the booklet in his hands. It appeared to have been typed, and printed on Muggle paper. It had been stapled together.

"Yes Mr Potter, these booklets have been produced in the Muggle way, thanks to Mr Harris. I would advise all students unfamiliar with this fastening method that it involves pieces of metal wire which can cause pain and result in bleeding. That's all for tonight, I suggest you all go to bed."

Still dazed from that evening's news, the Gryffindor students did as they were told.

"Good Morning Students! My name is Mr Harris, and my job is to make you all convincing Muggles for the purpose of the OFSTED inspection!"

This opening speech did not endear him to the Slytherins. There were various mutterings along the lines that they did not want to be taken for Muggles for any reason.

"And the reason why your headmaster decided to employ an extra teacher, was because he did not want any of you to LET DOWN YOUR SCHOOL OR YOUR PEOPLE!" Everybody jumped as he roared these last few words, but the Slytherins finally realised that maybe they did need to listen to this man.

"There will be changes at this school over the coming weeks, because all of you need to adjust to a Muggle environment before the inspectors arrive, so that you don't make any silly mistakes. The first thing you need to learn is _do not rely on your wand"_

A lot of students didn't look too keen on this idea.

"You can still use your wand, until the beginning of January, but you must learn to do things without it." He looked around the Great Hall, making eye contact with the more obstinate pupils. Harry was fascinated to notice that Draco Malfoy was hanging on the teacher's every word.

"There will be changes to the castle. We will be installing electricity, that is electric lighting in every room, electrical appliances in many room. We will be installing central heating. We will also be replacing many of the traditional security features with modern Muggle security. For example, during the Christmas holidays all of the portraits and statues which guard the common rooms and dormitories will be replaced with electric keypads. You will need to memorise a four digit code which you will type into the keypad by your common room doors to gain entry."

Neville looked worried.

"The portraits and statues will be assisting us in this task. From now until Christmas, all of your passwords will be in the form of four digit codes, to get you into the habit of remembering them. Obviously, once the inspection is over, any portraits or statues wishing to do so will return as guardians.

"During the inspection period, all of the portraits, statues, suits of armour etc., will either be frozen or removed to a secure area, by their own choice, as we cannot have any magical objects which Muggles expect to be inanimate within the school during that week." He paused, and took a drink from a glass of water which appeared on the staff table beside him.

"Catering." He raised the glass to the students. "We will be installing a serving area here in the Great Hall, as whilst the food will continue to be prepared by your House Elves," Harry felt Hermione bristle beside him, "it must appear that your food arrives through non magical means. Therefore you will have to get into the habit of collecting your food yourselves, and of clearing the tables after your meal."

The look of horror on Malfoy's face almost made all this upheaval worthwhile.

 "The final instruction that I am going to give you this morning refers to the way in which you address your teachers and one another. From now on, all of your teachers should be addressed as 'Mr', 'Mrs', 'Miss' or 'Ms'. Obviously 'Mr' for the male members of staff, and the ladies will tell you how they wish to be addressed."

There was a moments pause while everybody tried to get used to the idea of 'Mr Snape' and 'Miss McGonagall'.

"As a general rule, you can continue to address one another as you do now. I would ask you, however, to cut out all insults or nicknames based on magical terms, unless there is a convincing Muggle explanation for the name. There will be no reference to 'Mudbloods', 'Squibs', 'Death Eaters' or any similar terms. I will also tell you now that in my experience, Muggle girls are known by their first names, and also call boys by their first names. Muggle boys often address one another by their surnames. However, your peers from Muggle backgrounds will be much better able to advise you on finer points of teenage etiquette."

Hermione started to look superior again.

"That's all for this morning, I will see the Upper School at half past two and the Sixth form at four. Thankyou." Mr Harris swept out of the room, and a volley of voices broke out behind him.


	4. 3. Choosing Options

Disclaimer: Everything except the plot (and Mr Harris) belongs to JK Rowling and not to me.

"What 'AS' levels are you taking, Hermione?" Ron tried to look innocent as he shovelled peas into his mouth.

"Maths, Chemistry, English, History and Sociology." Hermione rattled the list off quickly. Harry blinked.

"You made your mind up quick!" Hermione smiled.

"Actually, I've often wondered what I'd be studying now if I was a Muggle. Those are the subjects I'm best at, except English and Sociology, which just sound interesting."

"How do you know what you're best at when you get top marks in everything?"

"Okay, those are the ones I like best then."

Ron looked confused.

"But how do you know if you like them, when we don't study them?" Hermione sighed.

"Look, I like Arithmancy, right? Well, Maths is the nearest thing to it in the Muggle world. Same with Potions and Chemistry. And I've always been interested in Muggle history, I do a lot of reading in my spare time."

"Hang on… You _like Potions? The __best?"_

"As a subject, yes. It's… methodical." She suddenly realised that Ron had noted down her choices on a scrap of parchment. "Why did you want to know Ron? Are you planning to take the same classes so you can copy me?"

"Err… yes?"

"And you, Harry?" Harry paused in the act of reading Ron's notes and grinned.

"The thought crossed my mind… But I want to do Physical Education, and Design Technology."

"What are they?" Ron resumed his confused expression, which Hermione had a sinking feeling would be more or less permanent for the next few months. Harry explained.

"Physical Education is Muggle sports, practical and theory, plus study of things like muscle groups. Design Technology is technical drawing, woodwork, metalwork, electrics, textiles and cookery."

"You want to do cooking and sewing?"

Harry laughed. "No, but I don't have to do all of it. I'm going to do the practical, building things side of it."

Ron still looked dubious.

"Hagrid's teaching it." Harry added. Ron immediately wrote 'Design Tech' on his paper.

"I'll take that one then."

"Honestly Ron, don't you ever pick your subjects by what you like and what you're good at?"

"Not when they don't matter. We'll be giving all this up after the Off-thingy anyway won't we?"

"OFSTED, Ron." Hermione corrected automatically, as her brain absorbed the disappointing notion of studying for exams that she wouldn't actually get to take. Ron wrote 'PE' on his parchment, and crossed out 'Maths'. 

"I'm not taking Arithmancy if I don't have to. It's difficult" He thought for a moment as he studied the list. "Maths, English, History, Sociology… which shall I drop, Harry? What's English? I already speak it, why would I study it?"

"It's either grammar and things like that, or literature." Hermione couldn't help explaining. "I'm taking Literature, lots of reading." Ron pulled a face and crossed it off his list.

"Right, so I'm going to take Chemistry, History, Sociology, Design Tech and PE. Harry?"

Harry looked at Ron's list again.

"So am I." They grinned at one another. Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, you two are hopeless."

"Sorting out your Options?" Draco Malfoy stopped behind Hermione.

"What's it to you, Malfoy?" Ron snarled. Harry put a restraining hand on his friend's shoulder.

"We've got a truce, remember Ron?" He turned to Malfoy. "Yes, we are."

"Mind if I sit here?"

"Go ahead." Hermione moved her books to make room at the Gryffindor table.

"Thanks… Hermione."

"That's okay… Draco." She grinned at him. "You were listening to Mr Harris this morning then?" He nodded.

"What are you all taking then?" Hermione rattled off her subjects again. Ron reluctantly pushed his list over the table.

"I'm taking the same as Ron." Harry explained.

"Would you mind if I copied your choices? I… I've never taken any Muggle subjects, I don't understand them." It obviously took a lot of effort for Draco to admit this.

"I'll help you make your own choices if you want." Hermione offered. Ron glowered at her, forgetting that they were all supposed to be in this together.

"Thanks." Draco looked surprised at this offer.

"Well, what subjects do you like normally? What are you good at?" Hermione turned Ron's parchment over and borrowed his quill.

"Err… Potions. Arithmancy. Flying." Hermione scribbled 'Chemistry, Maths, PE' on the parchment. "Defence Against The Dark Arts."

"Really?" Harry was surprised. "I thought you'd prefer to learn the arts themselves?" Draco shrugged.

"Well, yeah, but as they're not on offer…"

"Well, that's one subject that doesn't have a Muggle equivalent." Hermione stopped that train of conversation before it could get dangerous. "We're all doing History and Sociology, why not take them?"

Draco pulled a face. "I have enough trouble with real History. Muggle History would just be too confusing." Hermione looked slightly cross at having Muggle History dismissed like that, so he quickly went on, "What's Sociology? I've never heard of it."

"It's all to do with how people interact, stereotyping, discrimination, influences, that sort of thing. It's very interesting."

"Okay, I'll do that one." She added it to his list.

"What about Design Tech? Building things?" Draco looked slightly put out that he might have to do anything manual, but brightened up when Harry added,

"It's usually a chance to take things easy, not work too hard."

"Okay, that one then."

"Harry! How do you know that?" Hermione thought that this was an appalling reason to choose a subject.

"Dudley chose it for his GCSEs. It can't be that hard!"

Sorting out the timetables proved to be complicated. Mr Harris had divided the timetable into seven subject blocks, labelled A to G. Each subject was then allocated two letters. 

"I don't understand!" Ron wailed when Mr Harris stopped talking. Hermione, who'd already made notes on her own timetable, sighed and picked up Ron's copy.

"It's very simple really. Start at the top of your list."

"Chemistry."

"Right. Mr Harris said that Chemistry could be either block A or block C. So write 'Chemistry' where it says 'A' on the timetable."

Ron and Harry did as she said.

"History."

"That's either B or E." They copied it down into block B.

"Why does it have two blocks for each one?"

"That's in case the subjects get duplicated. For example, Design Tech is also in block B, but you can't do that then because you have History in block B. So you take the second choice, which is block D."

Harry quickly noted down 'DT' in all the 'D' boxes on his timetable.

"I never realised just how complicated Muggle schools are."

"Gra... Hermione, have I got this right?" Draco came over and waved his timetable at them. Hermione glanced down at it, then nodded.

"Yes." It was neatly filled in, Draco had obviously grasped the principles much more quickly that either Ron or Harry.

"Hermione! Help!" Hermione sighed and went off to sort out a panicking Neville's timetable.

Draco quickly read Hermione's timetable, then made some changes to his own.

"What are you doing? I thought yours was okay?"

"Just moving a couple of things around…"

"Why, Malfoy?"

Malfoy paused, then admitted: "Because if I have to pretend to be a Muggle, I'd like to study with people who know how." He tossed Hermione's timetable onto her pile of book and swept out of the Great Hall.

"Well! That explains why he's being nice, anyway." Ron folded his arms. "He's just trying to copy off us so he can do well in class."

Harry stifled a laugh at the idea of people copying from Ron or himself, and wondered why Draco would want to do well at being a Muggle anyway.

"I just don't get it." He explained to Ron and Hermione later that evening in the security of the Gryffindor common room. "Why would Malfoy want to do well at Muggle subjects, to the extent of copying us? He _hates Muggles! And anyway, surely Vol… You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters would want this school to fail, to be closed down?"_

"Can the Off-people actually close us down? I mean, we're not actually a Muggle school." Ron's confused expression was back.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"OFSTED, Ron." She said through gritted teeth. "And I don't know. Technically, they shouldn't be able to close us down, but then they shouldn't even be aware of our existence." 

Author's note: I will be explaining as I go along how they plan to get around issues such as electrical equipment not working in Hogwarts, and the potential threat of Death Eater attacks. I'm planning to cover the changes to the school in the next-chapter-but-two, and the Death Eater problem soon after that.           

I'm making myself a list of things that will need to be dealt with before the inspection, and so far I have:

1. Removal of obvious magic, such as talking pictures and moving staircases.

2 . Lifting the blocks on Muggle electrical items.

3.  Hiding Hogsmeade.

4.  Hiding the House Elves, and providing evidence of human domestic staff. Making the kitchens ready for inspection.

5.  Replacing Owl Post, and controlling pets.

6.  Disguising the Quidditch pitch.

7.  Fencing off the Forbidden Forest.

8.  Hiding the ghosts and Peeves.

9.  Confiscation of wands, just in case…

(In addition to teaching everybody to act like Muggles.)

I'm probably not going to deal with them all in the same chapter, but I'm giving you the list now in case you can think of anything I've missed. If you tell me now it will save me editing later!

Coming up next… Chemistry….


	5. 4. Chemistry

Disclaimer: Everything except the plot (and Mr Harris) belongs to JK Rowling and not to me.

First thing on Monday morning, the Lower Sixth had double Chemistry.

"It's not in the dungeons, it's in…" Ron peered at his timetable. "D8." There was a pause. "Where on earth is that?"

"Weren't you listening yesterday?" Hermione said bossily. "Mr Harris told us that all the rooms are now known by a letter and a number to make them easier to find. D8 is on the ground floor on the north side of the castle." She set off, leaving Harry and Ron to trail in her wake.

"How was I supposed to take in everything yesterday?" Ron grumbled quietly. "All this is confusing enough as it is without moving all the classrooms."

Professor Snape, or Mr Snape as they now had to try and remember to call him, didn't like the change of classroom either. Still dressed in his black robes, he paced up and down in front of the classroom.

"Apparently, the Potions classroom does not comply with Health and Safety regulations." His voice dripped with sarcasm. "A science classroom must have at least two doors. It should also have windows, according to Mr Harris."

Certainly this classroom was very different from the Potions dungeon. From the cheerful notice on the door, which read "D8, Science (Chemistry)" in bold black type on pink laminated cardboard, to the brand new desks arranged in friendly groups, to the wide windows and fire doors leading out onto the grass, this did not look like a place where Snape would be comfortable.

"First of all, we will move the desks. I want all of these tables arranged in rows, facing my desk." Snape stood at the front of the classroom and waited for the students to move. "Well, get on with it!"

It wasn't quite as easy to move the tables as they first thought, because two thirds of the high work surfaces had little red boxes on them, which were attached by tubes to the ceiling, and could only be moved a certain distance.

"Sir?" Malfoy didn't think that Snape was ready to be 'Mister' just yet.

"Yes, Mr Malfoy?"

"What are these red boxes for?"

"I will be explaining in a moment, Mr Malfoy. Please try to contain your enthusiasm."

They eventually settled at the newly-arranged desks. Ron and Harry shared a desk next to Hermione and Malfoy. Malfoy had managed to make it look like his seating arrangement was an accident. The class was a mixture from all four houses, as the new subject divisions made the old two-house splits impractical.

"First of all, there are certain new rules." Snape's expression indicated that he considered them all to be a waste of time. "All bags, outdoor clothing and so on will be stored at the back of the room and not at your desks. This is, apparently, in case you fall over it whilst working. As Longbottom is no longer with us, I consider this unlikely, but the Headmaster tells me that the rules must be followed regardless." Neville had decided not to take Chemistry, to nobody's surprise.

"Safety clothing must be worn when handling certain chemicals. The clothing I refer to is the lab coat, which you should all have, and safety goggles, which I will distribute when necessary. This is to allow you to make mistakes without harming yourself." Snape clearly considered this to be spoiling them.

"I will now briefly explain the equipment we will be using. The red boxes that Mr Malfoy enquired about are your gas supply. Gas is a Muggle fuel. You will notice that there are several small yellow taps on each box. To the tap you can attach a Bunsen Burner," he held up a metal tube about fifteen centimetres long with a round blue base and a rubber pipe, "then by turning on the gas tap and holding a flame across the top of the tube, you can create a controllable source of heat." He paused, and swallowed hard. "Who here went to a Muggle school before Hogwarts?"

All the students from Muggle backgrounds raised their hands.

"Who has used a Bunsen Burner before?"

Most people put their hands down again. Hermione's was one of the few which remained in the air.

"Miss Granger, can you remember how to use this piece of apparatus?" Hermione nodded. It had been nearly six years since she'd used one, but she'd read about it the night before in a basic guide to science that she'd picked up for background reading.

"You may demonstrate to the class." Snape handed the Bunsen Burner to Hermione and watched as closely as the students as she set it up.

"Talk us through what you're doing."

Hermione suddenly realised that this was all new to Snape, and that he was trying to hide his lack of expertise. 

"The Bunsen sits on the desk." She set it down. "This pipe fits over the gas tap." She made sure that Snape had a clear view as she wriggled the pipe snugly over the yellow plastic tap. "This collar changes the amount of oxygen which reaches the flame." She twisted the metal collar around the bottom of the tube and looked to Snape for guidance when she realised that most of the class looked blank."

"Carry on, Miss Granger." 

"Fire requires oxygen to enable it to burn. This collar has two holes in it." She held up the Bunsen so that people could see. "So does the main tube. If I line up the holes, more oxygen can get in, which makes the flame stronger. If the holes are not lined up, the flame will be yellow, but if they are lined up then it will be blue. The blue flame is harder to see and so more dangerous, so it's important that these holes are closed for a yellow flame when you light the Bunsen."

She twisted the collar so that the holes were closed, and set it back on the desk.

"Now I need a flame." She glanced up at Snape again. He looked taken aback for a split second, then pulled himself together.

"As we are still a magical establishment, we will be using our wands to create flame in this instance." 

Hermione pulled out her wand.

"I turn on the gas tap, and then hold a flame across the top of the tube." She twisted the little yellow tap, muttered under her breath and a flame shot out of her wand across the top of the Bunsen. When she removed her wand a moment later, nothing had happened. She turned off the gas tap, turned it back on and tried again. Still nothing. She turned on another gas tap and listened for the hiss of gas, but couldn't hear anything. Suddenly it occurred to her what might be wrong.

"Is the main tap on, sir?" A fleeting look of panic crossed Snape's face, and she quickly explained.

"When the gas taps were installed, they would have put a central tap somewhere which can cut off the supply to the whole room if there's a leak. Gas is dangerous, if there was a leak and the room filled with gas, then a tiny spark could cause a huge explosion." She explained, ostensibly to the class but actually for Snape's benefit, trying to ignore the look of glee on some of the students' faces at the idea of an explosion. Whoever installed the system should have shown Snape where the main tap was. She glanced quickly around the room, and spotted it on the wall by the door. She walked over to it.

"If we get a gas leak, we need to turn the gas off here." She tapped the box with her hand. "It stops gas getting to the taps on our desks." She turned the handle through ninety degrees, and walked back to her own desk. This time, when she turned on the gas tap and sent a spurt of flame from her wand across the top of the Bunsen Burner, she was rewarded with a steady jet of yellow flame. She demonstrated to the class how to turn to the hotter, blue flame, then twisted it back to yellow.

"If you need to leave your Bunsen at any point, for example if you need to get some more equipment or chemicals, always switch it to yellow so that it can be seen." She caught Snape's eye to let him know she'd finished.

"Okay, one Bunsen burner between two, practise lighting them. First, however, put your bags at the back of the room." He walked back to his desk to avoid the stampede of students eager to play with fire.

"Sir?" Hermione followed him and stopped him by the equipment trolley which was loaded with Bunsen Burners. "Should we use these?" She picked up a pot of wooden spills. "To practise lighting them the Muggle way?" She knew that he didn't know what she meant, but was careful not to show this.

"Er, yes." He raised his voice. "Put your wands away. You will light your Bunsen Burner with a spill, which you will get from Miss Granger." Hermione smiled inwardly at his careful delegation of the problem.

Harry had his Bunsen ready to light, so she lit one of the wooden strips from her own Bunsen and handed it to him carefully. The other students were quick to grasp what they were supposed to do, and soon they were lighting their own spills from nearby Bunsen Burners as if they'd never created magical fire.

Ignored by his excited students, Snape sat staring at his desk in blank horror at the task ahead of him.

"That was much more fun than Potions!" Ron said cheerfully to Harry as they left the classroom. Once they'd mastered the art of lighting a Bunsen, Snape had set them the task of mixing salt, sand and water together and then separating them again.

Hermione had practically taught the class herself.

At the end of the class, Snape handed them all copies of the periodic table and let them go. Hermione had spent so much time helping other people that she was the last to pack up her things and leave.

"Miss Granger." He waited until she was the only student left.

"Yes sir?"

"Thankyou. Ten points to Gryffindor." Hermione smiled at him and followed her friends, inwardly reeling with shock at this acknowledgement from the Potions master.

Author's note: I only did Science up to GCSE level, so anybody out there who has done first year A level Chemistry and would like to mention any experiments they did so that Hermione and co. can start learning what they should be learning, please let me know!


	6. 5. The Code of Conduct

Author's note: Sorry it's taken me so long to get this posted, I've been in the middle of my exams and couldn't concentrate. Then my inner Mary-Sue started clamouring for attention, so I've had to start another fic to try and keep her out of this one. (It's surreal enough already without me in it…)

Anyway, enough excuses. I have finally worked out what the plot is for this fic (yes, there is a plot!) I had three or four ideas buzzing about, and now it's all fallen into place. You can expect another four or five chapters. 

Riddlestar - yes, I agree that it could get boring if I just write about their lessons. I'm not planning to cover any of their lessons except Chemistry, Muggle Studies and probably Design Technology, because the idea of Hagrid teaching woodwork just appeals to me.

karanne - I differentiate between an English and a British school because the system in England and Wales is slightly different to those in Northern Ireland and Scotland. I think that Hogwarts is in Scotland because I saw a TV programme over Christmas, about the books, the film and JK Rowling, where they decided that it almost certainly was. There are several main stations in London, and the Hogwarts Express goes from Kings Cross, which is one of the stations for the north. It's cold enough to snow at Christmas, which combined with what we know of the landscape around Hogwarts (lakes, fairly mountainous) rules out most of England. They also came up with some very convincing personal reasons that I can't remember why Rowling would choose Scotland. So it's not my opinion, I saw it on TV and was convinced by it…

Thanks to Margarita for reminding me about the ceiling in the Great Hall.

And finally thanks to Silver Storm Dragon for neatly summing up the reason why I thought that OFSTED would be an amusing force for Harry Potter to battle against. _"I hate OFSTED. They are the spawn of Satan."_

Okay, I'll get on with it now….

Chapter five - The Code of Conduct.

Disclaimer: Everything except the plot (and Mr Harris) belongs to JK Rowling and not to me.

The following day, there were three main topics of conversation amongst the students.

The first event had occurred overnight. When Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the Great Hall for breakfast, most of the students were gazing upwards in amazement and awe. Ron tipped his head back to see what they were staring at.

"Look!" The view of the sky that they were used to was gone. Instead, the ceiling was constructed of intricately carved beams and high vaulted panels interspersed with paintings of what looked like figures from Greek mythology. The three of them stared silently for a moment.

"Why aren't they moving?" Ron whispered.

"They must be Muggle paintings." Hermione answered.

"And what are those?" Ron was referring to strange bars of light that hummed quietly. One of them was flickering in an annoying manner.

"Fluorescent lights." Harry told him. "Come on, let's get some breakfast.

The second event that got everybody talking occurred about ten minutes later, when a man whom nobody recognised walked up to the staff table and sat in Dumbledore's seat. Harry choked on his pumpkin juice and had to be thumped on the back by Ron.

"Who on Earth is that?"

This sentiment was being repeated throughout the Great Hall, and the man must have realised, because he got to his feet and held up a hand for silence. He was quite tall, probably approaching sixty years old, with neatly cut brown hair and a short, clipped beard. He spoke to the students.

"You're probably all wondering why I look like this." He said in Dumbledore's voice. There was a surprised murmur of voices. "Muggle teachers tend to have retired by the time they reach my age." A few people laughed quietly. "So for the purposes of passing the inspection, I have altered my appearance to that of a fifty-eight year old Muggle."

Harry thought that he looked quiet convincing. This was a man with whom Uncle Vernon would happily discuss share prices.

"Dumbledore's Inner Muggle" Somebody whispered, and the whole of the Gryffindor table dissolved into laughter.

The third notable event was the distribution of booklets to the students. These were entitled: _Hogwarts School Code of Conduct in typed letters. Conversation slowed as they read the document._

"Hey! Look at this one!" Ron suddenly said. "Page 14, paragraph 12b."

Everybody flipped pages to find it, and Hermione read out loud.

"Students can expect fair, impartial treatment from all members of staff, regardless of background and academic ability."

"So if Snape picks on us, just for being Gryffindors, we can report  him, and 'disciplinary action will be taken'." She quoted. 

"That could be useful!" Harry grinned as he stood up. "Come on, we've got to get to Muggle Studies." The sixth years had not yet had their compulsory double Muggle Studies lesson, and were looking forward to seeing how Mr Harris would be tackling the subject with such a mixed group of students.

It was as they were walking down from Gryffindor Tower after collecting their books that Ron, still reading the Code of Conduct, discovered an interesting possibility.

"Students are not to use violence towards one another, either physical or verbal." He considered this for a moment. "It doesn't say we can't use magic. Malfoy's going to get it!" He was already reaching for his wand, even though Malfoy wasn't yet in sight.

"Hey! We have a truce, remember?" Hermione gave him one of her looks.

"The only reason Malfoy wants a truce is so that he can copy you in class. He wouldn't stand a hope on his own."

"I resent that implication." Malfoy drawled, rounding the corner and coming into view. "I'm not the only one from a pure-blood family around here, even if you couldn't tell from looking at you." Ron bristled.

"Some of us do go out in the Muggle world, you know Malfoy. My father has a lot of Muggle gadgets."

"Your father's mad, Weasley. Everybody knows that." Ron levelled his wand at Malfoy, who produced his own just in time.

_"Expelliarmus!" Professor McGonagall caught both of their wands in one hand and glared at them. "School rules still apply in addition to the new code, Mr Weasley. You and Mr Malfoy will meet me outside Professor Dumbledore's office at eight o'clock. Now get to class." She swept away. Ron and Malfoy glared at one another, then followed the other students, who'd melted away at McGonagall's arrival._

"She didn't take any points." Harry pointed out to Hermione once the teacher was safely out of earshot. Hermione's eyes widened, then she shrugged. 

"I don't know. Come on, we'll be late."

Ron glanced up from his notes every few minutes and glared past Hermione at Malfoy. Draco appeared not to notice, he was too busy writing down everything Mr Harris said. Ron was fascinated by the rare spectacle of Hermione making only brief notes.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked, when Mr Harris had stopped talking.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" Hermione looked puzzled.

"You've written down less than I have!"

"Weasley, she's from a Muggle family. She does know at lot of this already." Malfoy drawled. "And stop glaring at me, it's getting boring."

 "Class, your attention please." Mr Harris stood at the front of the classroom, waiting for the talking to stop. "So far we've covered a brief background on current Muggle youth interests. Today, we will be concentrating on pop music." He opened one of the big cupboards behind his desk, and showed them shelves of Cd players. "Mr Dumbledore has lifted the charms which prevent Muggle devices from working, so that you can get used to some of them." He looked around them room. "Those of you who live as Muggles during the summer holidays, please come up to the front." 

Hermione and Harry left Ron and Malfoy and joined the other students from Muggle homes around Harris' desk. He produced a pile of Cds.

"All of you pick the sort of music you like to listen to. Then take a Cd player from the cupboard, set yourself up at one of the plug sockets around the room, not too close to anybody else if you can help it." He waved a hand at the wide shelf which ran around the room at hip-height. The wall just above it had plug sockets all the way along. Harris looked at the remaining students.

"Each of you pair up with somebody who has a CD player, then when they've set up I want you to cast a silencing charm around the immediate area so that only the two of you will be able to hear the music." He held up a hand to keep them still. "I'll finish explaining while you can still hear me. Those of you who don't know much about Muggle music can wander around from area to area and listen to the different sorts of music, to see what you like. Note down what you listen to, and your opinions on it."

Understandably, the lesson was pretty informal from that point on, because not only could they no longer hear Mr Harris, but he couldn't hear them either.

The time passed by quickly, and all too soon Mr Harris was going round asking people to remove their silencing charms.

"Right. Please write up your notes on today's lesson by your next class, which is on Thursday. Those of you who are already familiar with Muggle music, please write me a couple of paragraphs on your favourite band or type of music, and why you like them. Right, dismissed!"

Ron hummed Britney Spears all the way to History, reducing Harry and Hermione to fits of giggles.

"Ron, don't forget your detention!"

"No, I hadn't, I was just going." Ron lied, heaving himself out of an armchair.

"I think McGonagall's over-reacting, taking you two to Dumbledore. You've been caught doing worse before now." Harry started to pack away the chess game they'd been about to play.

"Do you reckon there's something going on?"

"I have no idea, Ron, but if you go, then you'll find out, won't you?" Hermione herded him towards the portrait hole, not noticing him roll his eyes at Harry over her head.

Professor McGonagall was waiting for Ron and Malfoy outside Dumbledore's office. They exchanged worried glances. Surely they weren't in too much trouble, as Harry had said they'd been caught doing worse before. Once inside the office, however, they realised that something else was the issue here, when they saw not only Dumbledore, but also Mr Harris and several other tense-looking students waiting for them.

"Come in boys, sit down. Sherbet lemon?" Dumbledore smiled brightly at them as he offered the little dish of sweets. They both took one politely, still feeling uneasy faced with his new appearance, and wondering what was going on. "How much of the Code of Conduct have you read?"

Ron and Malfoy exchanged glances.

"I'd got as far as the bit about not being violent towards other students." Ron offered. Malfoy nodded to show that he had too.

"Good, good. That's what we needed to talk to you about. In preparation for the OFSTED inspection, we need to come up with an anti-bullying policy, and we need documentary evidence of it in practise. It's going to look very suspicious if it appears that all of our students get on well with each other." He folded his hands on the desk and peered at them over his glasses. "This is where you lot come in."

"So you're telling me that Dumbledore _wants you and Draco to keep fighting? He wants you to insult each other in corridors, and try and beat each other up?" Harry couldn't believe what Ron had told him._

"Yeah. They need paperwork to show that they won't tolerate bullying, and Dumbledore and Harris think that it'll be more spontaneous this way than if they make it up. They've got other students who don't get on, from other years, doing the same thing."

"So they want you and Malfoy to get caught fighting, so they can punish you and write about it?"

"Yeah." Ron shrugged. "It won't be too bad though, Muggle-style detentions, no loss of house points because we've been asked to do this. And the only rule is that we can't use magic against each other. We've already planned to have a scrap after breakfast tomorrow." It sounded to Harry like Ron and Malfoy finally had a common aim.

"Can other people join in?" Ron grinned.

"Yeah, but it has to look like Malfoy and I are behind it so that we get into trouble. Malfoy says he might get Crabbe to pick on Ginny tomorrow, so I can go and rescue her."

"Is Ginny okay with that?" Harry couldn't quite see Ginny being too keen on this idea.

"Don't know, I'll have to ask her. Draco said that if not, he'll be mean to Hermione." He looked around. "Where is Hermione, anyway?"

"Don't know. One of the first years came in a couple of minutes before you got back with a message for her, and she hurried off to see what it was about. I think one of the teachers wanted to see her for something.

Hermione made her way through the maze of corridors to J12, on the third floor on the south side of the castle. It helped that there were now little notices up pointing her in the right direction, even if she still had to allow for moving staircases and vanishing doors. The note that the first year had handed her was from Madam Pince, the librarian, and held no clue as to what the problem was.

Hermione arrived to find a harassed-looking Madam Pince pacing the corridor outside J12. 

"Miss Granger, we have a problem. Professor Snape said that you might be able to help."

_Snape had recommended her? What on Earth could it be?_

Snape appeared in the doorway to the classroom. His hair was untidy, as if he'd been running his hands through it repeatedly. He barely managed to disguise his look of hope when he saw her, and tried to flatten his hair.

"Miss Granger." He said, with what she would have said was relief if this hadn't been Snape. "We require your assistance." He cast a nervous look back into J12, then held open the door for her. Looking past him, Hermione had to stifle a giggle.

The room was full of computers.


	7. 6. Computers and School Dinners

Here's the next chapter… there will still be at least four or five more chapters to come, because people keep suggesting stuff and I keep think 'Hey, that's a good idea!' I try to keep original characters to a minimum, but I've had to invent another one, because I needed somebody with particular skills, and I hate altering existing characters even more than I dislike putting in my own.

Disclaimer: I came up with the plot, and with the characters Mr Harris and Jack Collins. Everything else I've stolen from JK Rowling.

"What's the problem?" Hermione did her best not to sound condescending, but Snape's eyes narrowed anyway.

"The problem, Miss Granger, is that we've been presented with this pile of Muggle gadgetry, and none of us have used one before."

"Who's going to be teaching this subject?" Hermione really hoped that it wasn't Snape. Or Hagrid.

"We haven't made a decision yet." Snape's tone indicated that he, too, hoped that it wouldn't be up to him to teach the students.

"Well, I've used my Dad's computer over the holidays, but I'm no expert."

"Finally we find a subject that Gryffindor's know-it-all admits to not having mastered." Snape sneered, forgetting the situation.

Madam Pince cleared her throat and looked pointedly at Snape.

"I'm sure Miss Granger knows more than we do, however." Her words brought Snape back to the reality of what was happening. He muttered something under his breath, but kept his opinions to himself. Hermione wandered around the computer lab, plugging in machines.

"I think that they have to be networked, but I don't know how to do that. I could read up about it, but it'll take me a couple of days. Somebody else might have a better idea of how it works."

She might just have well have been speaking a foreign language.

"It would be best to ask around the students from Muggle backgrounds and see if anybody knows what to do."

Madam Pince scurried off to ask around. Hermione found the user manual, a paperback book about four inches thick, and started to read.

Madam Pince returned ten minutes later with a boy called Jack Collins, one of the Ravenclaw seventh years.

"Mr Collins thinks he can help." Madam Pince looked relieved, and even Snape looked vaguely hopeful. Jack wandered around for a couple of minutes, checking connections and locating various different things that nobody else could identify.

"My dad's an IT technician. I worked with him over the summer holidays." Jack explained. "Who set these up?"

"I don't know. Mr Harris dealt with that side of it, we found them like this." Madam Pince didn't sound convinced that Mr Harris was reliable. However, this seemed to be good enough for Jack, who started turning things on, and was soon oblivious to the rest of them as he worked.

"Right, I'm going to show you how to boot up a computer, and then you can help me get them all going." Jack wasn't at all in awe of the teachers, even Snape, now that he had the expertise they needed. 

They watched as he went through the process of setting up the new computer. Hermione and Madam Pince both took notes. Soon they were each sitting at a machine, copying what Jack had done and saving him the time of doing each machine himself.

"Could I be of assistance?"

Four jaws hit the floor simultaneously* when they saw Professor Trelawney standing in the doorway.

"I saw in my crystal ball that you were awakening a new life form here in this room, and that I should come down and offer my assistance."

Jack was the first to recover.

"Of course, Professor, err, Miss Trelawney."

"It's Ms, actually."

"If you would like to watch me go through the process again, then just repeat it on other machines." He sat down and began to boot up yet another machine.

"Er, Mr Collins?" Snape sounded vaguely unsettled. "Is it supposed to do this?" His computer screen was now a bright blue with a few lines of white writing.

"Oh, that's just a Blue Screen Of Death." Remarked Jack calmly. "Just leave that one and I'll sort it out."

"Blue Screen of Death?" Trelawney's voice shook slightly. "This is indeed an ill omen!"

"No, it just means that the computer needs to be restarted." Jack tried to reassure her.

"No, this is a sign! I must go to Mr Dumbledore!" She swept out of the room on a cloud of perfume, leaving the others to stare in amazement.

"Nice to see some things are still normal around here." remarked Snape dryly.

"Honestly, she just freaked out! Most of the teachers are a bit wary of the computers, but she just flipped! Jack tried to explain that it's just a nickname, a joke, but she just kept saying that it was an ill omen." Hermione recounted to the Gryffindors later that evening.

"She always was a mad old bat." Ron commented.

"She's all right!" Coming from Lavender or Parvati, this would have been expected, but Ron and Harry just stared at the speaker in amazement.

"Ginny! Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes!" She snapped crossly. "I'll admit that she was just daft in Divination, but she's by far the best Muggle subject teacher in the school."

Ron and Harry looked at each other blankly.

"What does she teach?"

"Theatre Studies."

"And Drama." Piped up Dennis Creevey. "She's great!"

"Just when we thought that things couldn't get any more strange…" Ron muttered to Harry. "Come on, let's get out of here before we find out that she's got a fan club."

At lunch a few days later, they were introduced to one of the less pleasant aspects of Muggle schooling. The long tables in the Great Hall were empty of their plates and goblets, and one wall now had two new doorways in it, one labelled 'In' and the other 'Out' with the same laminated cardboard signs that had sprung up around the school. Everybody was milling around uncertainly, so Harry took a deep breath.

"Come on." He said, and bravely pushed open the door marked 'In'.

"Hello love. Grab a tray." A large woman in a floral overall smiled at him.

"What's going on?" Harry picked up a tray from the stack beside him, and balanced it on the rails in front of him like he'd once seen Uncle Vernon do at a motorway services. They'd only bought him a paper cup full of tap water, but they'd need four trays between them to cope with Dudley's extended snack menu.

"School lunches, Muggle-style." Her smile never faltered, which Harry was starting to find a little unnerving.

"Come on Harry!" Ron had come through the doorway after him. "Let's get some food."

They pushed their trays along the rails, and let the smiling woman and her identically-clad colleague serve them. Ron inspected his plate of food carefully.

"Looks okay."

"Your House-Elves are still doing the cooking, we're just getting you all used to Muggle-style service. Lunch times only for the moment, all meals by the end of term. Isn't that right, Sue?" Overall number one addressed Overall number two.

"Yes it is, Beryl, yes it is. Apple crumble, ducky?"

Mr Dumbledore, as the students now all called the Headmaster's Muggle persona, called for their attention as they were eating.

"The system is a bit slow at the moment, but I'm sure it'll pick up soon once we get used to it. Please all remember to clear your trays at the end of your meal, and put them on the trolleys by the service area. I'd also like to warn you that the kitchen door will shortly be the first of our doors to be replaced by a Muggle door with a Muggle key-code entry system. Those of you in the habit of sneaking into the kitchens may wish to ask a House Elf to give you the code." He looked around the room, not apparently making eye contact with anybody, but Harry still felt like the remark was addressed purely to him.

"How does he _know?" he whispered to Ron, who shrugged._

"I will never understand the man. Never mind that, we'd better ask Dobby for the codes soon!"

"Yeah, everybody knows Ginny Weasley, school bicycle!"

"And what's that supposed to mean, Malfoy?"

"It means that everybody's had a ride, Weasley."

Draco ducked the first punch, aimed at his face, but couldn't avoid the second, which caught him in the stomach. He staggered backwards, then launched himself at Ron. Soon there was a ring of students stood watching as they swung at one another. Ron had Draco in a headlock and was preparing to slam him against the wall when McGonagall caught them.

"That's _enough, Mr Weasley, Mr Malfoy."_

"But Miss, he said that my sister…"

"I wasn't doing anything, Miss…"

"I don't care what happened, fighting is against school rules. You both have detention. Now apologise to one another. The rest of you, get down to dinner." She glared at them. The onlookers made themselves scarce.

"Sorry Weasley. I didn't mean to tell you that your sister's a slut."

"Sorry Malfoy, I didn't mean to make you look like a pathetic wimp in front of your friends."

Neither of them sounded particularly sincere, but McGonagall let them go. As soon as she was out of sight, Draco grinned.

"Nice one, Weasley." He stuck out a hand. Ron grinned back and shook it. They started to walk towards the Great Hall.

"Malfoy?"

"What?"

"Why are you co-operating? I thought you hated this school and would want it shut down?" Ron blurted out.

"My father told me to co-operate. It's complicated, but I think that Dumbledore might explain soon."

He wouldn't say any more, and Ron didn't press him.

*metaphorically, of course. 

Coming up next, they learn to play sports the Muggle way, and we find out why Draco's father told him to co-operate…

I've got the next chapter almost ready, but there's one bit that I want to put in but don't have the knowledge to write. So if anybody out there wants to help me out with around five hundred words on the boys playing football at lunch time, (as we play it in Britain, obviously…) then the first paragraph is just here:

_"So… there's only one ball?" Ron wanted to run through the rules one last time._

_"Yeah." Harry stood with his hands in his pockets, watching Dean and Justin Finch-Fletchley kicking a football back and forth._

_"And you can't use your hands?"_

_"Nope."_

_"And you can't push people out of the way?"_

_"Nope."_

_"And you just have to get this one, non-flying ball into the big net at the other end of the pitch?"_

_"Yes. Except that we're using jumpers today."_

_"Okay. Should be easy."_

_"Of course it is, it's just a Muggle game." Malfoy had walked up behind them. Harry grinned._

_"Hey, Dean! Justin! Ron and Malfoy reckon that football must be really easy!" Dean looked over and grinned back._

_"Okay then, Muggles against old wizarding families!"_

_Students from Muggle background from all years were keen to join in the game they hadn't played at school since they were ten, and their 'pureblood' friends were quickly prepared to defend themselves. After all, if you were used to four balls, three of which moved independently, and you were used to playing in three dimensions, it couldn't be hard to pick up a simple thing like football…_

The guys from Muggle backgrounds are going to absolutely wipe the floor with the others… Please help me out here! If I get more than one response (email me at ravenclawsgraduate@hotmail.com) then I'll pick the one that I think fits best with my own writing. Obviously I'll credit the writer! This is football as played by lads with no referee, in their spare time with however many people they've got. People like Ron and Draco have a basic grasp of the rules from theory classes in PE, but they've never actually played.


	8. 7. A Letter From A Friend

"Hey Ginny, what happened?" Harry looked up from his homework when Ginny limped into the common room, leaning heavily on Colin Creevey. She collapsed into an armchair, lifted her foot carefully onto a low table, then showed them her leg.

She had an enormous bruise halfway up her calf, and her ankle looked puffy.

"What happened?" Ron echoed Harry's question.

"We were playing hockey this afternoon. One of the Slytherin girls walloped me with her hockey stick, and I fell and twisted my ankle."

"I'm glad that PE isn't compulsory for our year." Hermione remarked from the table where she was doing her homework. "That looks nasty."

"Have you been to the hospital wing?" Ron looked concerned for his sister. Ginny shook her head.

"No. Madam… Miss Hooch said that I just need to put some ice on it. She said that we have to get used to not using magical cures if there's a reasonable Muggle alternative."

Right on cue, Dennis Creevey scrambled through the portrait hole with a tea towel full of ice.

"The house elves said they'd bring some more up later, if we want it." Ron took the towel of ice away from him and laid it carefully over Ginny's ankle.

"Ahh! That's cold!"

"Yeah, well, it's ice, isn't it…" Ron thought for a moment. "Will we have to play hockey in PE?"

"Maybe, but probably not. It's usually girls who play hockey." Hermione said.

"Why don't we play it?"

"They don't usually put boys and girls together in the same group, boys are more violent." Hermione didn't look up from her History notes, and didn't see Ron pale as he mouthed '_more violent?' at Harry._

AS level PE classes started with theory lessons, which made sense as only half the students had ever played any of the Muggle sports, and most of those had only played informally at junior school and in their holidays. This allowed most of the students to get some sort of grasp on the rules before Dean Thomas finally did what he'd been longing to do for five years, and took a football outside after class.

"So… there's only _one ball?" Ron wanted to run through the rules one last time._

"Yeah." Harry stood with his hands in his pockets, watching Dean and Justin Finch-Fletchley kicking the football back and forth.

"And you can't use your hands?"

"Nope."

"And you can't push people out of the way?"

"Nope."

"And you just have to get this one, non-flying ball into the big net at the other end of the pitch?"

"Yes. Except that we're using jumpers today."

"Okay. Should be easy."

"Of course it is, it's just a Muggle game." Malfoy had walked up behind them. Harry grinned.

"Hey, Dean! Justin! Ron and Malfoy reckon that football must be really easy!" Dean looked over and grinned back.

"Okay then, Muggles against old wizarding families!"

Students from Muggle background from all years were keen to join in the game they hadn't played at school since they were ten, and their 'pureblood' friends were quickly prepared to defend themselves. After all, if you were used to four balls, three of which moved independently, and you were used to playing in three dimensions, it couldn't be hard to pick up a simple thing like football…

The score, when it got too dark to play any longer, was 30-2 to the students from Muggle backgrounds. The 'pureblood' goals had been scored one by Ron Weasley and two by Draco Malfoy. One of Draco's had been an own goal.

The students sorted out their robes from the piles which had grown at the edge of the makeshift pitch as people stripped down to their school uniforms, and retreated to their common rooms to mutter mending charms at torn trousers and shirts before dinner.

Ron developed a dramatic limp just before they reached the common room, much to Harry's amusement.

"What have you been doing?" Hermione hurried towards them, looking concerned. "Ron! What happened?" Ron collapsed with a groan into a nearby chair.

"It was a hard fight, and there were many casualties…"

"Harry, what happened to him?"

"He fell over playing football."

"I did not fall over!" Ron snapped out of his Oscar-winning swoon. "I was pushed!"

"Football." Hermione smiled, then started to laugh. "You've been playing football!"

"Muggle families against wizard families." Harry supplied helpfully.

"Who won?" Hermione's face said that she already knew the answer.

"We did!" Dean Thomas came in just at that moment, carrying the football. "30-2!"

"I scored…" Ron interjected.

"So did Malfoy, twice!" 

Hermione's quick brain soon spotted the flaw in the maths.

"But…"

"Malfoy got an own goal. The other twenty-nine were all our own skill." Dean wasn't very good at being humble, it seemed.

"Which side were you two on?" Hermione addressed Harry and Seamus, who'd followed Dean into the room.

"Muggle, of course." Seamus seemed to think it was obvious.

"No of course about it! Harry's parents were both wizards, your Mum's a witch."

"But Harry was brought up by Muggles, and I've visited cousins on my Dad's side, so we've both played football before. And hey, I wasn't going to lose just 'cos Mum's a witch!"

Ron wasn't getting enough attention, so he let out another pained groan. "Oh, my leg." Hermione quickly went and sat by him.

"Let's have a look then." Ron feebly gestured to his left knee.

"Honestly Ron, you call this a mending charm?" Hermione whipped out her wand and reopened the tear in his trousers. "And it's only a graze, don't be such a baby." She muttered a quick healing charm, then did a much better job of a mending charm than Ron had done.

"Aw, isn't it sweet?"

"Love's young dream." 

Hermione glared up from where she'd been fussing over Ron, and Dean and Seamus both ran for the stairs. Ron went quietly pink while she wasn't looking.

"Honestly! Boys and football, and the whole place goes mad…"

After dinner, Dumbledore got to his feet and held up a hand for silence.

"Today," he said, "I received a letter from an old pupil, who has heard our situation, and wishes to help. I am going to read you the letter, in the hope that the severity of what is happening will sink in to all of you." He produced a piece of parchment from somewhere in his robes, unfolded it and cleared his throat.

"Dear Professor Dumbledore," he read, "I was horrified to hear of your predicament. If OFSTED inspectors are allowed control of Hogwarts, the future of the entire magical community, not just in Britain but globally, is at threat. Faced with a force so evil, so all-powerful, I believe that all of us within the magical world must lay aside our differences for a time, and work together to protect our world so that we can take it forward to our own future, and not one dictated to us by people who can never understand it. Therefore I wish to extend to you my hand in friendship, and whilst ill health prevents me from giving you my hand in person, know that you have the full support of my people and I in these difficult times. Anything we can do to help, we will do. Strength to you in this time of need, yours, Tom Riddle."

There was uproar.


	9. 8. Mugglization

Author's note: The letter from Voldemort was signed 'Tom Riddle' because he is extending a hand in friendship, and is using the name he had before he went bad to illustrate this point. I think that most of the students would know who Tom Riddle became, after the Chamber of Secrets word probably went round, and most of the Slytherins would, by my guess, know it anyway from their history. Voldemort joining forces with the Hogwarts wizards is part of the whole joke about OFSTED being far more evil than anything else, this whole fic is supposed to be a little bit silly, so if you think Voldie's a bit OOC then sorry, but I'm only having some fun here.

Sorry if this next chapter is a bit dry, I know it's very low on character interaction, but I wanted to get the story moved on a bit closer to the inspection. Since the last chapter, the students have done lots of going to classes and learning Muggle things in a way that would be really boring to write, so we pick up the tale again at the beginning of January… 

Disclaimer: Everything except the plot, Mr Harris, and the dinner ladies belongs to JK Rowling. I've just borrowed it. And I do fully intend to give it back when I've finished….

Chapter 8: Mugglization

After Christmas, it was a confused group of students who caught the train back to Hogwarts.

The confusion could be explained by the fact that this wasn't the gleaming scarlet steam train they were used to, but a regular, Muggle, navy blue GNER* express train, with "Hogwarts School Train" on the paper signs in each door. It left from Platform 7.

When the trolley came round, it was loaded with Muggle confectionery, overpriced sandwiches and scalding hot drinks which tasted only of the plastic cups they were served in.

When they arrived at the station for school, they were met by five hired coaches and what was apparently the school minibus, as it was decorated with the school crest.

By the time they arrived at the castle, they were almost expecting the changes that awaited them.

Electric lights in every room and corridor, radiators and plug sockets on the walls. Half of the familiar paintings and statues were missing, replaced by what some students could recognise as famous Muggle works, and those that were still there had a strange, frozen look to them. There were signs all over the castle, directing them to classes, to common rooms, to teachers offices and anywhere else they might be legitimately looking for.

Dinner was served by Beryl, Sue, and a young man that nobody recognised, known to the dinner ladies as 'Our Joe'. It appeared that the House Elves were still cooking, as the food was superb as usual, but students were heard wondering how long it would be before that got the Muggle treatment too. 

Everybody cheered up a little at the sight of their teachers in Muggle clothing. Dumbledore they were now used to, but the sight of McGonagall in a skirt and matching jacket was certainly a novelty. 'Ms' Trelawney wore a long, floaty skirt, a long short, an embroidered waistcoat and lots of beads. Whilst very few witches could have passed as genuine Muggles in such an outfit, she looked quite convincing. Harry, who'd spent Christmas with the Weasleys, particularly liked the 'Magic Roundabout' cardigan she pulled on halfway through dinner.

Snape wore standard Muggle attire, trousers, shirt, tie and a pullover. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and he looked very uncomfortable.

There were yet more changes awaiting them in Gryffindor tower. A new doorway in the common room led into a small office, which contained a desk, bookcase, swivel chair and two low easy chairs, plus a computer. A little notice on the door read, not particularly helpfully, 'Office'.

However, the students had quickly become distracted by the large black box mounted on one wall. Those from Muggle families were quick to pounce on a much smaller box lying on a shelf underneath.

"We've got a TV!"

"Yes, you have." Miss McGonagall, as they had to remember to call her now, had followed them into the common room. "And no, you can't watch it tonight. Before you go upstairs, I just need to mention a few changes. As you've noticed, there is now an office in this house, this is mine and Mr Harris' office. Muggle regulations state that in a mixed house such as this one there must be a member of staff of both genders. Therefore Mr Harris is now Deputy Head of Gryffindor house and you may go to him with your problems if you feel the need of a male point of view." Her expression also implied 'and if you want to die a slow and painful death when I find out', but this was not voiced aloud. "There will now be a member of staff on duty here during all your free time. Sorry to spoil your fun, but the Muggle authorities don't think that you're as responsible as we do." This time her expression was torn between considering that the Muggles might well have a point, and regret at loss of her own free time. "Finally, you will notice that there are certain changes to the dormitories and bathrooms. I can only reassure you that your comforts will be returned once the inspection is over. Any questions, I will be here in this office until Lights Out, which is in half an hour for all students up to and including the fifth year."

"What's Light's Out?" Ron whispered to Hermione.

"It's the time when you have to turn out the lights and stop talking so that people can sleep." She answered, having read a lot of Enid Blyton when she was younger.

"Come on Ron, let's see what's changed." Harry already had one foot on the boys' stairs.

The changes that McGonagall mentioned were immediately evident. The four poster beds had gone, replaced by ordinary single beds which looked very small in comparison to their old beds. The fireplace had gone, and in it's place was a characterless white radiator, which nevertheless gave out far more heat than the fire used to. Harry sat on what he guessed was his bed and looked around. Their trunks still sat at the foot of the beds, but now had a very temporary look to them. There were new wardrobes and bedside units. The whole thing looked rather like a magazine spread on the perfect school dormitory, too clean, too new. The posters which had been on the walls were all piled on their owners' beds. A polite notice asked the boys to only put up Muggle posters for the time being. Dean triumphantly began blue-tacking his West Ham poster onto the smooth white plaster above his bed. Ron dropped his Chudley Cannons pictures into his trunk and looked sulky. 

"Come on, let's go and find Hermione and ask her what her room's like."

It was quiet in the common room, with the five youngest years reluctantly preparing for bed. Hermione told Ron and Harry about the fuss that had ensued when Lavender and Parvati realised that all of their magical cosmetics would have to be locked away.

"They're up there now, arguing with Miss McGonagall. She's said that there's going to be a shopping trip soon to let us pick up Muggle bits and pieces."

It took a few days to discover all the changes. Some were obvious, like the way the owl post was now delivered to a central point, and distributed by the prefects every morning. Where necessary, they stuck on Muggle stamps and printed illegible postmarks on the more obviously magical letters. All parents and guardians had been requested not to send Howlers until the middle of February. Subscriptions to wizarding publications had been stopped as far as possible. Other changes were less obvious, like the fences blocking access to the Forbidden Forest and the lake. The Quidditch pitch had been transfigured during the previous term, into playing fields more suited for football, rugby and hockey. One of the courtyards had been painted with netball courts, and there was a place where tennis nets could be put up in the summer, although obviously there would be no need for them by then.

It took a little while to realise that all of the ghosts were missing, and then a little while longer to discover that they had all agreed to live quietly in one of the towers, behind a locked door and a sign reading 'no admission'. Peeves had been the only one not to agree, and he'd been put under some sort of stunning spell, to nobody's sorrow. There was a rumour going round that the staff might 'forget' to lift the spell after the inspection.

The change they liked the least came a week after they got back to school. Harry came down to breakfast to notice a familiar face at the staff table.

"Look!" He said to Ron and Hermione. "It's Mr Ollivander! What's he doing here?"

After breakfast, Dumbledore got to his feet.

"This is the part I like least about this whole inspection. When you have finished eating, please go back to your dormitories where you will each find a large wooden box on your bed. Into this box I must ask you to place all of your magical belongings, posters, photographs, jokes and tricks, Remembralls, invisibility cloaks, screaming yo-yos or anything else which does not belong in the Muggle world." Harry noticed that he'd slipped 'invisibility cloak' into the list as if anybody might have one. "Also, for those of you not taking OWLs or NEWTs this year, your magical school books." Hermione flinched. "You may then lock the box, with any combination of Muggle locks and magical charms you like. The boxes will be stored until after the inspection, after which you may have them back. You have my word that nobody will open your box without your permission." Harry thought that Snape looked quite disappointed. Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Classes are cancelled until lunch to allow you to clear your belongings. There will be an inspection this afternoon to check for non-Muggle items, rest assured that however secret you think your hiding place is, at least one member of staff will know about it. And now the part I really hate to have to tell you. The reason Mr Ollivander is here today is to supervise the storage of your wands." There was a gasp from some of the students. "From this evening until after the inspection, you will not have access to your wands. You should have no need for them. The reason we are removing them now is to give you time to adjust to not having them before you have to act like you've never had one. Mr Ollivander will come around to your classes this afternoon to box and store your wands.

Of all the changes, this was by far the most unpopular. 

*Authors note: for those of you not familiar with UK train companies, GNER is Great North Eastern Railways, the long-distance train company which runs most of the service out of Kings Cross, up through East Anglia (the bit that sticks out on the East…) to Yorkshire and Scotland. So now you know.


	10. 9. Mounting Tension

"This is ridiculous." Harry flopped into one of the armchairs by the common room fireplace, which was full of cut flowers and showed no sign of ever having had anything so dangerous as a simple fire in it. "I can't believe how tense everybody is."

"They're all going mad." Ron agreed. He had an impressive black eye from his most recent staged encounter with Malfoy.

"Almost all of them." Hermione countered carefully.

"Who? Name me one member of staff who isn't stressed by this." 

Hermione looked over at the little office. Miss McGonagall was on duty, but she kept the door closed to retain some semblance of the privacy they were used to, and only came out when things got too noisy. Through the strengthened glass windows, she could be seen to be playing Solitaire on her computer.

"Mr Harris." There was a pause while they thought about this.

"Maybe he's the calm type. We don't know him very well." Harry ventured.

"I wouldn't have thought of Snape as a nervous person." Hermione answered. "He might be mean, and he might get very angry sometimes, but he dropped two beakers in Chemistry this morning and overheated a test tube so that it cracked and his solution went everywhere. That's not typical Snape behaviour, everybody's ruffled by this. Except Harris."

"What about Dumbledore?" Ron couldn't imagine the Headmaster being anything other than calm.

"He has been looking a little tense recently." Said Harry thoughtfully. "And even McGonagall's acting a bit odd."

"So what do you reckon's up with Harris?" Ron leant forward in his chair.

"I don't know." Hermione frowned. "I just find it odd that he's been brought in to make sure we pass this inspection, he's responsible for the whole thing, but he's not at all jumpy about it. Do you find that at all suspicious?"

It was true, when they thought about it, that Harris was remarkably calm compared to the rest of the staff. Dumbledore had taken to wandering around the school, tight-lipped, with his smart new hairstyle messed up as if he'd been tearing at it absent-mindedly. McGonagall was even stricter than usual, removing house points for any minor non-Muggle behaviour. Professor Sprout was rushing around, trying to teach Biology and care for all the hidden magical plants at the same time. Professor Sinistra, who had been doing really well, kept getting confused during Physics classes and mixing wizard and Muggle terminology until nobody understood the lessons at all. The normally controlled Snape, as Hermione had noticed, had started to get a little clumsy, not a good quality in a Chemistry teacher. Ms Trelawney was doing brilliantly, she seemed to have forgotten all about the inspection, and the students taking drama and theatre studies were having a much better time than everybody else. Mr Harris was calm and collected, smiling benignly at all the students in a way which made them vaguely uncomfortable.

In the Slytherin common room, Draco Malfoy sat near the television without really watching it. Very few of the Slytherins had ever seen a television before, and they were now hooked on the little moving pictures. Crabbe and Goyle were particularly fond of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. Draco had to admit that he liked that one too, for the outfits if nothing else. Right now, however, Draco's attention was focused on Snape, who'd come out of his office to watch 'Buffy' with his students. Yet another evil demon leapt out from behind a tombstone with a snarl, and Snape jumped. Nobody else had noticed, and Draco quickly pretended not to have seen when Snape glared around in case anybody thought it was funny.

The stress must really be getting to him. He kept dropping things, he's taken house points from two Slytherin first years just for talking too loudly in a corridor, and he was constantly looking over his shoulder as if he thought he was being followed. Draco decided that he wanted to talk about this with somebody. A quick glance around the common room reminded him that nobody else had really noticed anything odd, and he decided to go and find somebody who wouldn't be glued to 'Buffy'.

Miss McGonagall glanced out through the office windows when she heard somebody knocking on the common room door. After a moment, Hermione Granger got out of her chair and went to answer it. McGonagall was quite surprised to see Draco Malfoy waiting outside, but nodded her permission when Hermione turned to ask the teacher if he could come in.

"What do you want, Draco?"

"If I said that I just wanted to hang out with my Gryffindor friends, would you believe me?"

"Probably not, no. Not while 'Buffy' is on, anyway."

"How did you know the whole of Slytherin is watching it?"

In answer, Hermione merely gestured to the room. Draco realised that all the Gryffindors were also glued to the set, to the extent that nobody had noticed that there was a Slytherin in their common room. Harry and Ron had their backs to the door and hadn't moved since he walked in.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Can we go somewhere quieter?"

"Yeah, okay. Do you want to talk to Harry and Ron as well?"

"I suppose so… Should we wait until Buffy's finished?"

"No, I'll get them." Hermione wandered over to the sofa where Harry and Ron were sprawled. "Boys?"

"Sssh!" Said somebody. Hermione leant over the back of the sofa and whispered something. Harry immediately sat up and turned around. Hermione clapped her hand over his mouth in time to stop him exclaiming "Malfoy!" and disturbing the others. Harry rolled his eyes, removed her hand and walked over to Malfoy.

"They'll catch us up. Ron's not easy to remove for the television." Glancing over his shoulder to where McGonagall was once again hooked to her game of Solitaire, he led Malfoy out of the common room.

They waited in the corridor for a couple of minutes, until Hermione led a protesting Ron out of the common room.

"There were only twenty minutes to go! Now how will I know if Buffy kills the evils demon?"

"She does." Hermione reassured him dryly. Malfoy suddenly noticed Ron's black eye.

"Jesus Weasley!" He exclaimed, looking vaguely smug for remembering to use the Muggle blasphemous term. "Did I do that?"

"Yeah." Ron prodded the bruise gingerly. "Ow!"

"Don't do that." Hermione pulled his hand away from his face. "Now, Draco, what did you want?"

"Have any of you noticed anything unusual about Mr Harris?"

There was a pause while the other three looked at one another. Hermione spoke up.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about this earlier. He's the only teacher who's not stressed out by this inspection."

"I heard him talking to Snape earlier. They were arguing about the inspection." Draco finally got to his point.

He'd been walking to the Great Hall from the library when he'd heard the voices in front of him, and he'd ducked into an empty classroom.

"There's no need to worry, Severus, Everything will be fine." Harris, calm as ever.

"I do know what you're trying to do here, Harris. You're getting into a very dangerous situation."

"Severus, what I am doing here does not concern you. All you have to do is pull yourself together and teach like a Muggle. You all know what your parts are, you just have to play them."

"You'd better hope that nobody gets hurt."

"And then they went different ways, and I went down to dinner." Draco finished. "What do you reckon is going on?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't know. But I don't like it, and I don't trust Harris."

"Neither do I." Ron put in. "I might not like Snape, but anybody who can get him rattled must be dangerous."


	11. 10. The Day Before

"Less than twenty four hours to go now." Ron said gloomily. He was sitting on his bed, plucking absent-mindedly at the covers. The walls around his bed were covered with posters of Muggle girls, models, singers, and of course, Sarah Michelle Gellar. It was Sunday afternoon, and the OFSTED inspectors were arriving first thing the following morning.

"Yeah, but it'll all be over soon and we can get back to normal." Harry lay on his bed with his hands behind his head.

"Back to learning magic."

"Back to Quidditch."

"Back to fighting with Malfoy."

"Back to Potions with Snape…"

They'd decided that they needed to keep an eye on Harris. If he was planning to sabotage the inspection, they intended to do their best to stop him. However, it proved quite difficult to spy on Harris, because he appeared to be watching Harry. Everywhere they went, he wasn't far behind them. If they met in the library to plot with Malfoy, Harris would be browsing the books. When they went out to play football, Harris was doing something called 'playground duty' which kept him outside with them. Without the invisibility cloak, they didn't dare to go creeping around after Lights Out, and in any case he seemed to always be in the common room office waiting for them to sneak downstairs.

Hermione was sitting in the library with a pile of folders and a worried expression.

"What are you doing?" Ron dropped into the seat next to her. "I thought you'd finished all your homework?"

"I'm just checking everything." Hermione finished reading the last page of notes in one folder and opened the next one.

"What for?"

"For the inspectors." Ron looked confused. Hermione sighed. "I told you, Ron. The inspectors want to see examples of students work. I was one of the students chosen. I have to hand in all of my notes for them to check through and examine the standard of teaching."

"You're not exactly a typical student though, are you? I mean, your work's a lot neater and lot more thorough than most people's."

"Which is probably why she was chosen and you weren't." Draco sat down on the other side of the table. "The Professors want to look good, don't they?" Hermione ignored them both and kept flicking through the pages.

"Your eye looks a lot better, Weasley." Ron prodded the fading bruise.

"Yeah. I've got fresh injuries since then anyway." He rolled up his sleeve to display a graze on his arm."

"Is that from DT?"

"Yeah." Ron didn't get on very well with the sanding machine, and Hagrid couldn't supervise everything at once. "Have you thought about what we're going to do next week?"

The boys had decided that they should stage yet another argument and fight for the benefit of the inspectors.

"If you're going to talk, can you go outside please?" Hermione looked up from her notes. "I'm trying to concentrate here." Ron and Draco pulled faces at each other and left her in peace.

"Any ideas?" They wandered down the stairs by the Great Hall.

"Nothing in particular. Can I win this time? I've still got the bruise from last time…"

"I suppose so. If we time it right it shouldn't last long anyway. We don't want to make it look too bad, as if the school has no discipline."

Ron had to laugh at Draco respecting the school's honour. 

"Shut up, Weasley."

"Are you going to make me, Malfoy?" Ron was still laughing, and Draco joined in.

"I think we should leave it until the inspection starts before we get into trouble again." They reached the main door and walked out into the courtyard.

"So do you want to start it or shall I?"

"I will, I like insulting you."

"What are you going to say this time?"

"I haven't made my mind up yet. I've got a couple of ideas, but it'll be more spontaneous if I don't tell you."

"You're not going to use the bicycle comparison for Ginny again, are you? She says she'll beat you up herself if you do."

"Ooh, I'm scared…"

"You should be, she's vicious."

"No, I'll think of something else to get you angry. I think we should warn one of the teachers as well, so that they know to catch us fighting."

"Good idea. Who?"

"McGonagall?"

"No, she's being really strict, we'll probably get expelled or something."

"Not Snape, he's really stressed about this whole thing."

"How about Harris then?" Ron had a brainwave. "He wouldn't overreact."

"Plus it might help to convince him that we don't suspect anything. Let's go and find him."

"Harry's playing football, so I bet that Harris is outside watching him." The turned and headed for the courtyard from which the noise which accompanied any football games was coming. Sure enough, Harris was standing there watching the game.

"Mr Harris!" Draco called in his best 'talking to teachers' voice. "Can we have a word?"

"No, you can't pick it up! Only the goalie can pick the ball up!" Dean was getting stressed with one of the third years. "How are we supposed to win on Wednesday if you can't remember the most basic rules?"

Dean had been elected Captain of the Gryffindor inter-house football team, and he was taking it very seriously. They were playing against Hufflepuff on Wednesday evening, and Dean badly wanted to win.

Miss Hooch had wisely decided that the Slytherin team should not play during the inspection week. There wasn't a single Muggle-born player on the team, and their grasp of the rules was shaky, to say the least.

"Dean, calm down. We'll do fine." Harry tried to reassure him. "We thrashed Ravenclaw, remember?" He knew that telling Dean that it was only a game would be a bad idea.

"Yeah, we did, didn't we? Nobody's going to beat Gryffindor, we're the best team." Dean's West Ham football shirt had been abandoned in favour of the red and gold Gryffindor strip. The front of the shirt had the Gryffindor lion, captured mid-roar, the back had a large number 1 and 'Thomas' written over it. Dean was very proud of it. 

"I just don't understand Harris." Ron deposited his dinner tray on the Gryffindor table, looking up at where the teachers were eating. The staff had quickly picked up on the Muggle tradition by which they pushed straight to the front of the dinner queue. "He's too calm. He sounded perfectly normal when Malfoy and I were talking to him earlier."

Most of the staff had settled into a composed panic. They all looked slightly wild, and jumped at nothing, but they'd stopped rushing around and snapping at people. Harris was chatting happily to Ms Trelawney, who claimed that her crystal ball had shown her that the inspection would go exactly as planned. Few people had any faith in her prediction. Snape was sitting as far away from Harris as he could, pulling out of his torpor occasionally to glare at him.

"I reckon Harris is working for You-Know-Who!" Ron whispered suddenly. "Maybe he _is you know who, using Polyjuice or something."_

"Don't be ridiculous, Ron." Hermione answered. "Dumbledore would never let him into school. And anyway, Harry's scar would be hurting him."

"Ow!" Just as she said that, a sudden flash of pain hit Harry's forehead, at exactly the same moment as the doors flew open and a dozen wizards walked in. They were dressed in Muggle clothing, and most of them looked slightly uneasy. The leader, a middle aged man in a pinstriped suit, caught Harry's eye and the pain multiplied.

"Harry?"

He didn't get a chance to answer, however, before Mr Harris was walking down the Hall to shake hands with the new arrivals.

"Ah, the board of governors." Dumbledore rose from his seat and went to greet them as well. Seats were found for them at the teacher's table.

"It's him." Harry hissed through the pain. "He's here."

Hermione gasped. "We have to tell Dumbledore. He can't know, or he wouldn't have let them in."

"Not now, though, not in front of them and Harris."

As soon as dinner was over they went straight to Dumbledore's office. Harry was wondering how to get past the numeric keypad which had replaced the gargoyle which guarded the headmaster's office, when Mr Harris turned up.

"There's no need to worry, Harry, everything's under control."

"I want to see the headmaster." Harry persisted, hoping that Harris wasn't about to turn nasty.

"What's the problem, Mr Potter?" The door to the office had opened, and Dumbledore himself was standing there.

"Sir, the governors, my scar…" Harry trailed off, not wanting to talk in front of Mr Harris.

"No need to worry, everything's under control." Dumbledore echoed Harris' words. "Just go back to your common room." He turned and walked back into his office.

"Run along then." Mr Harris waved his arms at them to get them to leave. Defeated, they trailed back towards Gryffindor tower.

"That wasn't like Dumbledore at all. He's never turned us away without answers before."

"Maybe they've got him too." Ron suggested.

"I don't understand that, Dumbledore's really powerful, You-Know-Who was always scared of him." Hermione looked rather scared.

"Maybe he trusts them, then." Ron didn't look like he believe his latest idea.

"Well even if he does, I don't. That was Voldemort, and if he's here then he's up to something, and I'm not just going to sit back and let it happen." Harry sounded angry, and he'd clearly made up his mind.

"We have to act normal, though, we can't let them know that we're on to them or we won't stand a chance." Hermione reasoned.

"So we'll act normal. Try and stick together, and try to find out what they're up to." Harry punched the code into the keypad by the Gryffindor common room door, and Ron pulled open the door as it unlocked. "I just wish I had my wand."


	12. inspection week - part 1

I wrote for six and a half hours straight yesterday afternoon, and produced the two longest chapters. The first one is here for your reading pleasure, the second one is just waiting for inspiration to strike me for the final lines...

Disclaimer: Everything except the 'plot', Mr Harris and the inspectors belongs to JK Rowling and not to me. But you really should know that by now.

Monday

They knew that the inspectors had arrived, because there were several cars parked by the steps up to the main doors. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at them from a third floor window.

"The black one's a BMW, the dark red one's a Volvo…" Ron had been practising his car-recognition skills one their recent Muggle-shopping trip.

"Honestly Ron, we've got more important things to worry about." Hermione lectured.

"Like the fact that You-Know-Who is in this school at this very moment." Harry said gloomily.

"Well, yes, but actually I meant Chemistry. We're going to be late!" Hermione could be very single minded about her schoolwork.

They were late, but only by a couple of minutes, and Snape didn't seem to notice. Hermione dropped breathlessly into her seat next to Draco. A quick glance around showed her that there were no extra people in the room. She sighed with relief.

"What? You sound relieved." Draco said without taking his eyes off Snape, who was writing on the white board with a marker pen.

"No inspector. Hopefully we'll escape this lesson."

Luckily, that proved to be the case. Snape had managed to relax a little, he didn't drop anything for the whole two hours and managed to give them the right instructions for their experiments, but he discovered halfway through the class that he'd been using a permanent marker and that the instructions he'd written on the board wouldn't rub off. The look of panic on his face was almost comical. Hermione raised her hand.

"Sir?" He raised his eyebrows. "If you go over it with a non-permanent pen, it will all rub off." He looked slightly disbelieving, but tried it anyway. He relaxed visibly when it proved to work.

"Once again, Miss Granger is full of information." His sarcastic tone implied that this wasn't necessarily a good thing, but Hermione was used to him by now and knew that he did value her help, even if he'd never admit it.

They didn't have an inspector in any of their classes that day. They saw them in passing a few times, checking the common rooms and dormitories, walking in the corridors and sitting at the student table at lunch time. The game of football in the courtyard during the midday break went reasonably well, now that they were in the habit of creating mixed ability teams and not drawing attention to people who didn't know how to play. Hermione sat with Lavender and Parvati, who were discussing some new nail varnish that they'd found, and which of the footballers in front of them they fancied. Without her notes to update, and having finished all her homework, Hermione found herself joining in, much to her surprise.

"So what's going on between you and Draco then?" said Lavender suddenly. "He's been hanging around you all year. Does he fancy you?" Hermione, who was drinking from a bottle of still mineral water, choked at the thought.

"I hope not! He just wants me to help him with schoolwork, so far as I know." Lavender looked disappointed.

"Shame. He's cute."

"Yeah, but doesn't he know it!" Hermione had to agree, but watching Draco flicking his hair out his eyes as he paused to catch his breath just made her want to laugh. "I mean, look at him playing up to those fourth years!" It was true that Draco was obviously aware that he had a fan club giggling on the side of the pitch, and that he was glancing at them after every contact with the football, to make sure that they were appreciating his skills.

"I told you." said Parvati to Lavender. "I told you it wasn't Draco. I said that Hermione likes Ron."

Hermione choked again. "What?"

"Oh come on. You're really close to him, you're always fussing over him or fighting like an old married couple."

"I am not! Ron's one of my best friends!"

"You should have seen your face when he came into the common room after Draco gave him that black eye. You looked like you couldn't decide whether mother Ron or go and beat up whoever hurt him!"

Hermione spluttered, but couldn't think of anything to say which would convince Parvati that she didn't fancy Ron.

It made things a little awkward in the common room that evening. Hermione was aware that she was acting a little stilted around Ron. Luckily, one of Ginny's classes had been inspected, and the talk was all about what the inspectors were like.

"Ms Trelawney was great, she just acted like the inspector wasn't there at all!"

Harry secretly wondered if Trelawney had actually noticed the inspector at all.

"So what happened?"

"Well, we were rehearsing one of our original pieces, in groups, and once we got going the inspector came round and talked to us, asked us what we were doing, if we enjoyed the classes, that sort of thing. She was very nice actually, very normal. She said we were very good."

Ron refrained from commenting that his sister had always been a drama queen, and that theatre studies probably came naturally to her. 

"She made a few notes when Ms Trelawney was talking, and she watched how she came round and helped with the various groups when we got stuck on anything."

It didn't sound as scary as they'd feared.

"Are you okay, Hermione? You've been a bit quiet all afternoon." Harry waited until Ginny had started talking to some friends from her own year before tackling his friend.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Ron sounded a bit concerned. "I saw you talking to Lavender and Parvati at lunch time, did they say anything that upset you?" Hermione hoped that her panic didn't show on her face.

"Er, well, they just wanted to know why Draco's been hanging around so much. They think he fancies me!" Hermione passed it off as a joke. Harry laughed.

"As if!" He suddenly realised what he'd said. "Um, not that he wouldn't like you Hermione, I just meant that we know that he's only been hanging around to copy off you…" Harry desperately tried to dig himself out of the hole he'd created.

"He'd better not even think about it. He's not laying a hand on you…" Ron fumed, startling Harry and worrying Hermione. Oh no, Ron didn't, did he? That really would make things awkward…

Tuesday

On Tuesday morning, there was an inspector in History with Professor Binns, the only ghost not confined to a tower with all the others. Some sort of charm had been performed on him to make him look solid. Today he'd divided the class into three groups, each representing different historical perspectives, and they were studying the start of the 1917 Russian Revolution, to report back to the class after an hour. Hermione, Ron, Harry, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hannah Abbott were studying the flash-points from the viewpoint of a Marxist historian. Ron didn't understand at all, but refrained from saying so in front of the inspector. Hermione covered up his lack of expertise by handing him the transparency for the overhead projector and a non permanent marker and instructing him to 'write neatly'.

"Hi, how are you all?" The inspector, a pleasant-faced man in his middle forties, pulled up a chair. They replied that they were fine, thankyou.

"What exactly is it that you're doing here?"

"Each group is analysing the same event from the perspective of different groups of historians." Hermione explained. "The group over there is doing the Whig perspective, that group's doing the revisionist perspective, and we're studying from a Marxist viewpoint."

"And how would you define the three groups?" asked the inspector, who clearly knew what he was talking about. Nobody else was about to venture their opinions, so Hermione answered again.

"Well, the Whigs were the original historians, who tended to have very set ideas on who was responsible for certain events, for example that the English civil war came around because of the behaviour of Charles the first. The Marxists, that's us, look at things in terms of the social economic situation, for example we're discovering here that the food shortages caused by the First World War were a cause of the St Petersburg riots. The Revisionists, as the name suggests, revise the existing theories and try to arrive at a more balanced viewpoint that takes more things into account." Hermione hoped that the inspector didn't noticed that Ron was hopelessly lost by the way she'd used examples from different historical events.

"I see. And what are you looking at here?" The inspector leant over to get a better look at the textbook Hannah was searching through.

"We're going through the key events that led up to the October revolution, and working out which ones we as Marxists would consider relevant." Justin spoke up, much to Hermione's relief. She'd been hoping that the inspector wouldn't ask Hannah, who was getting muddled as to the difference between the Marxist historical perspective, and the Marxist political party, who played a big part in the Russian history they were studying.

"Okay, thankyou." The inspector smiled, and went to interrogate one of the other groups. Hermione relaxed slightly. All they had to do now was produce a reasonable short presentation to explain their findings to the rest of the class, and of course the inspector.

The rest of the class went smoothly, all three presentations were understandable and the overhead projector didn't need to be refocused once. By lunch time, Hermione was ready to eat, and intending to avoid Lavender and Parvati in case they brought her attention to any other worrying issues.

"Hello, do you mind if I sit here?" Although the inspector was perfectly polite, they knew that they couldn't say no. She put her tray down opposite Harry and sat down. Harry had been hoping to discuss the You-Know-Who problem with Ron and Hermione, but it didn't look like that was going to be possible.

"How do you like this school?"

"It's great." Harry smiled

"I love it." Hermione enthused. The inspector smiled.

"Why did you come to Hogwarts?" Harry decided that 'because I got a letter from an owl' probably wasn't the best answer.

"It has a good reputation." Hermione responded. "I thought I could learn more here than at my local schools."

"So it was your decision to come here? Your parents didn't choose for you?"

"Well, they had decided on one of the local schools for me, but when I got offered a place at Hogwarts they were really pleased for me."

"How about you two?"

"My parents both came here." Harry followed Hermione's example of sticking as closely as possible to the truth.

"So did mine." Ron added quickly. "And all my brothers."

"Have you got a lot of brothers then?" asked the inspector, amused by his turn of phrase.

"Five." Ron sounded slightly gloomy, as he always did when he remembered the legacy he had to live up. "Two of them were Head Boys, one was football captain." He managed to remember not to say 'Quidditch'. "My little sister comes here too, she's over there." He pointed down the table to where Ginny was eating with some other fifth years.

"Oh yes, I think I was in her drama class yesterday." There was a short pause while they all ate. Harry and Ron had pizza and chips, Hermione a ham salad and the inspector, whose name badge proclaimed her to be Jenny Waters, had the shepherd's pie and mixed vegetables.

"So, are you all in the same house?" Jenny Waters asked, having noted that they all had the same crests on their school jumpers.

"Yes, we're all in Gryffindor."

"Do you get on well with the other houses?" Hermione suddenly realised where this conversation was leading, but couldn't communicate it to Ron and Harry.

"Mostly, yes. Slytherin are a bit stuck up, all the posh kids who reckon they're better than the rest of us." Harry managed to say before Ron could jump in with a less polite version of things. "We get on well with the others though."

"It's a fairly friendly school." Claimed Hermione, steering the conversation away from any possibility of admitting the deep-running feud between houses.

"What was that about this being a friendly school?" asked Ron incredulously as they made their way out to the courtyard after eating. 

"She was trying to find out if we're putting on a front for the inspection, by asking the students." Hermione explained. "She wanted to know if there was lots of in fighting and things like that."

"Oh." As the conversation reached an impasse, Dean's football came skidding across the ground towards them. Harry stopped it neatly and sent it back, and both he and Ron were quickly involved in the game. Hermione stood watching for a moment, feeling abandoned.

"Hey, Hermione! Over here!" Her heart sank further as she saw Lavender waving from the other side of the courtyard. Nailing a smile to her face, she went to join them. 

Wednesday

They didn't have an inspector in Design Technology on Wednesday, which was lucky because Ron finally succeeded in breaking the belt on the sanding machine, and only the fact that he was for once actually wearing his safety goggles over his eyes instead of on top of his head saved his sight.

Hagrid sank into the chair behind his desk, looking close to tears.

"I can' keep this up. Dumbledore shouldn'ave given me this job. I'm a danger ter yeh all. Ron could 'ave been blinded." He put his head into his hands.

Harry patted him timidly on the shoulder.

"You're doing fine, Hagrid. Only two more days and it'll all be over."

"An' that woman yesterday was so nice ter me …" Hagrid didn't seem to be listening.

"You've already been inspected?" Hagrid lifted his head from his hands and nodded.

"Well then, you might not get done again. Don't worry, you're doing fine. This class is more fun than any of the others." Harry reassured him. Actually, he thought that PE was more fun, but he decided that Hagrid didn't need to hear that.

"Come on, Gryffindor!" Hermione yelled as Dean raced towards the goal. He passed to Harry, who passed back just before one of the Hufflepuff defenders reached him, allowing Dean to shoot and score.

"Go Gryffindor!" Ginny screamed, waving her house scarf above her head.

The Gryffindor team were 2-1 up, with twenty minutes left to go. Dean and Harry were an efficient striking team, Dean had scored both their goals, but Harry had been right there to pass to. Ron, in midfield, was also playing well, as was Seamus in goal. Dean as Captain had quite happily given his year mates preference, with the exception of Neville, who'd accepted readily that he wouldn't be much help. Ron was the only player from a purely wizard family, which he was quite smug about.

The Hufflepuff team were also mostly from Muggle backgrounds, and the two teams were fairly evenly matched. Dean was determined to win, but it wasn't a certain victory.

The yellow Hufflepuff shirts were streaming towards the other goal, the ball firmly in their possession. Seamus saved it successfully, and the play turned once again. Up in the stands, Hermione was twisting the fringe of her scarf tightly between her fingers, almost cutting off her circulation without noticing.

"Come on, Harry!" Ginny shrieked, causing temporary deafness in those around her. Harry had a clear shot at the goal, and the score went up to 3-1. Ginny squealed and hugged the nearest person. This happened to be Colin Creevey, who looked quite pleased at this turn of events.

Hufflepuff scored again, and the scored went up to 3-2 with ten minutes left on the clock.

Ron was charging up midfield, preparing to pass to Dean, with two Hufflepuffs heading straight for him. He managed to send the ball across to Dean moments before they both crashed straight into him, and Miss Hooch blew her whistle.

It took a couple of minutes to disentangle the three players. Miss Hooch sent one of the Hufflepuffs off and gave the other a warning. Ron had blood trickling down his face, and Dean sent him off and brought on their reserve player. Hermione left her seat and hurried down to the edge of the pitch, ignoring the look which passed between Lavender and Parvati.

"It's all right, Hermione, it's just a scratch." Ron protested, as Madam Pomfrey cleaned the cut and stopped the bleeding using entirely Muggle methods. "Yes! Go Gryffindor!" Madam Pomfrey winced as he roared in her ear when Dean turned the penalty they'd been awarded into another point for Gryffindor.

The final score was 4-2 to Gryffindor, and Dean didn't stop talking about it for months.

*****

_Coming up in the final instalment of Harry Potter and the OFSTED inspection__…_

_Are the OFSTED inspectors human after all?_

_Whose side is Draco really on?_

_What exactly is__ Mr Harris up to?_

_Where has You-Know-Who been for the past three days?_

_Why is Dumbledore acting Out Of Character?_

_Will Hogwarts pass the OFSTED inspection?_

_and will Ron and Hermione ever accept the obvious…?_

_Find out soon on Harry Potter and the OFSTED inspection__, when the final twist is revealed and this fic does what it's been promising to do for the past eleven chapters and gets ever so slightly silly…_


	13. inspection week - part 2

Well, here it is, the final chapter! I will post again in a few days with the answers to any questions you might have…

Thursday

It was impossible to find a moment to discuss the Voldemort problem. The 'governors' hadn't been seen since Sunday, and Harry, Ron and Hermione still hadn't managed to get a moment to themselves. If Mr Harris didn't turn up, then one of the inspectors would be hanging around chatting to students. They had decided not to mention it in front of the other students, not wanting to cause mass hysteria.

"He's got us." Harry muttered to Ron as they got dressed on Thursday morning. "He's got hold of Dumbledore somehow, and we can't do anything whilst the inspectors are here, because we need to pass this inspection and we won't if everybody's running around screaming. We haven't even got our wands."

At this point Neville came back into the dormitory, and they had to change the subject.

Hermione and Draco had an inspector in Maths that morning, but Harry and Ron got through the whole day without being inspected.

"This inspection thing isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be." Ron admitted to Harry as they queued for dinner.

"Except for the whole dark-lord-returning business."

"Well, yeah."

The governors were at dinner, or at least most of them were. The leader, whom Harry was certain was Voldemort on Polyjuice, was absent, and Harry's scar was no more painful than the dull ache he'd had all week.

"Look!" Ron hissed as they were leaving to return to the common room. Harry followed his gaze, and noticed Draco Malfoy having a heated discussion with one of the governors.

"I bet that's his father on Polyjuice."

Whoever it was, Draco was asking questions that the governor refused to answer. Draco looked quite angry about it, but didn't press the issue.

"I wonder what's going on?"

Friday

The atmosphere seemed lighter on Friday, but Harry was wrapped up in the problem of what Voldemort was up to and couldn't join in the feeling of relief. "Have you noticed how all the staff are looking stressed again?"

"They're probably just worried that we're going to let them down at the last minute." Hermione reasoned. "Stop worrying, it won't help."

"It's all very well you saying that, but it's not like I can just forget that the man who murdered my parents is here in school." Harry hissed. "He killed Cedric too, remember, he'll hurt anybody who gets in his way."

That shut Hermione up.

Harry had no idea how he managed to concentrate all day. In PE that morning he played rugby on automatic pilot, and ended up with some nasty bruises that he barely noticed. The inspector who was watching the lesson congratulated him on some very brave tackling, when Harry had merely failed to notice the danger.

Sociology passed in a blur, but Harry didn't usually take in much of the lesson, which he admitted had been quite a bad subject choice for him. Hermione had English Literature after lunch when Harry and Ron had DT, and then she had Maths while they were free. Harry didn't notice what he was eating, and was glad that none of the inspectors tried to talk to him. The nagging pain in his scar had started to grow.

There were once again no inspectors in DT, and Harry decided to get his paperwork up to date rather than work with saws and hammers when his mind was somewhere else. Ron spent an hour and a half nailing bits of wood together in what was apparently an entirely random manner.

"Hey, Weasley!" Malfoy's familiar drawl followed them as they left the classroom at the end of the lesson. "Got any messages for your girlfriend?"

Ron looked confused for a moment. "What are you talking about, Malfoy?" His tone, carefully practised by now, indicated that he thought Malfoy was mad.

"I've got Maths with Hermione next. Any sweet nothing you'd like me to whisper to her?"

This, Harry realised, was obviously their latest staged fight. Ron didn't look particularly rehearsed.

"Bog off, Malfoy."

"Aw, I'm sure she'll be really pleased with that one. Still, maybe I can think of something better. She must be on the lookout for somebody who can offer her a bit more if that's the best you can manage."

Harry's suspicions that maybe Malfoy had picked the wrong subject this time were confirmed when Ron's response was to punch Malfoy very hard on the nose. There was a nasty crack and Malfoy yelled in pain before launching himself at Ron. Harry wondered if he should help out.

"That's enough!" Mr Harris suddenly appeared through the throng of students who were milling in the corridor. He grabbed hold of Draco. Harry grabbed Ron and helped the teacher to separate them. 

"What was this about? No, don't tell me." Harris interrupted himself before anybody could answer. "I don't want to know. I've had enough of you two, come with me." He marched them both off into the school, leaving everybody else to pretend that they hadn't been involved. Harry suddenly realised that, despite their careful plans to the contrary, he was on his own.

For want of something better to do, he wandered up to the empty computer room to check the email account that they'd all had to set up as part of their Muggle Studies classes with Mr Harris.

He'd just established that nobody had emailed him, which wasn't entirely surprising since all his friends were at Hogwarts, when a sudden sharp pain in his scar made him turn round.

"So, Harry Potter, we meet again." He'd obviously stopped taking the Polyjuice potion, because the man leaning nonchalantly on the door frame, dressed in flowing black robes had the white skin, red eyes and flat nose that had haunted Harry's nightmares ever since the night when the Triwizard tournament had ended.

"Voldemort."

"Very observant of you, Harry." Voldemort stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. He produced his wand and in one smooth moment conjured ropes which bound Harry to his swivel chair.

"Now, I believe we had some unfinished business. _Crucio!" The pain hit Harry just as it had done the last time he met his enemy, except that this time he knew that he wouldn't be given back his wand, he wouldn't be given the chance to duel, to escape, to survive. This was just a reminder, before the final curse, the killing curse. This really was it, he was going to die. He'd never see Ron, or Hermione, or any of the others again. Dazed by the pain, Harry found himself wondering if there was an afterlife where he might meet his parents._

"What's going on here?" Suddenly the pain stopped. Through blurred vision, Harry saw that the door had opened, and somebody was standing in the doorway. From the question, it could only be one of the inspectors.

"What on Earth are you doing?" A second voice joined the first. One of them came into the room and started to untie Harry. As his vision cleared, Harry could see the bewildered expression on Voldemort's face. Nobody had ever failed to be scared of him before.

"How dare you interfere, this is none of your business!" He spluttered finally.

"If you're hurting a student, it most definitely is our business" The inspector in the doorway said firmly. The ropes around Harry were finally loosened, and the first inspector helped him towards the doorway.

"Stop!" Voldemort, finding himself ignored, raised his wand. "_Imperio!" The second inspector looked at him blankly._

"What?"

"_Imperio!" Shielded from the curse by the first inspector, who was standing between him and Voldemort, Harry watched in amazement as both inspectors calmly carried on doing what they had been doing anyway, which was staring at Voldemort._

"_Crucio!" Voldemort shook his wand, trying to work out why his powerful curses were failing._

"_Avada Kedavra!" The jet of green light hit the second inspector, who looked at Voldemort in surprise._

"What on Earth are you doing?" he repeated. "Is that some sort of toy?"

"Toy? Toy? This is no toy! This is a wand!"

"A wand?" The inspector suddenly decided that he was dealing with a madman. "A magic wand?"

"Yes a magic wand! What other sort of wand would a wizard have?" Voldemort snapped, finally losing his cool.

"You're a wizard?" Said the inspector, in a tone of voice usually reserved for small children with imaginary friends.

"What's happening?" Two more inspectors turned up in the corridor. The first inspector hurried Harry out of the room.

"This man is a wizard." Explained the second inspector in a voice which clearly said "This man is mad, and probably dangerous."

"Not just any wizard! I am Lord Voldemort, the most powerful dark wizard of all!"

"Of course you are." The inspector turned to his colleagues. "Call the police. And a psychiatric hospital." He stepped further into the room. One of the other inspectors produced a mobile phone and started dialling. The fourth inspector followed the second one into the computer room.

"_Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!" Both men were unaffected by the blasts of green light._

"Now then, Mr Voldemort, that's enough." The inspector who'd been doing most of the talking took hold of Voldemort's wand. "You can Abracadabra all you like, but you've been hurting a student and we can't have that." He removed the wand from the surprised Dark Lord's hand and threw it to the first inspector, the one who'd helped Harry out of the room. The two men who were in the room with Voldemort took hold of the Dark Wizard's arms and marched him into the little teacher's office which led off the computer room.

It wasn't long before wailing sirens were heard outside the castle, and an assortment of police officers and paramedics swarmed into the castle. Somebody gave the by now extremely agitated Voldemort a tranquillising shot, and bundled him off in an ambulance. The policemen went round taking statements from Harry and the inspectors, whilst a paramedic tried to relieve the pain left by the Cruciatus curse. Harry was relieved to see Dumbledore appear in the doorway.

"Hello Harry. Everything's going to be okay now, Mr Riddle's under arrest. He's being taken to a psychiatric hospital awaiting further assessment. I doubt he'll be released, given the evidence collected today for his mental instability.

"Sir…?" Harry didn't know how to ask about Voldemort's failed magic in front of so many Muggles.

"Have you finished with Harry now?" Dumbledore asked the senior police officer. When the man agreed, Dumbledore led Harry up to his office.

"I'm sure you must have a lot of questions." The headmaster smiled at Harry, suddenly looking a lot more like his old self.

"Why couldn't Voldemort hurt the inspectors?" Dumbledore smiled.

"Well, that was the brilliance of the plan. You see, OFSTED inspectors aren't human, they're something entirely different, and they're totally impervious to magic. They don't believe in it, and you can't hurt them with it. So Voldemort was powerless against them, and they just think he's insane."

"But…"

"How did the inspectors come to be at Hogwarts in the first place?" Harry nodded.

"I put Hogwarts on the list myself. Auror Harris helped."

"Harris is an Auror?" Harry's expression of disbelief made Dumbledore chuckle.

"Yes, and an old friend of mine. He makes quite a convincing Muggle, don't you think? We knew that Voldemort wouldn't be able to resist a chance like this, when all the magical protections around this school were disabled. Voldemort made one fatal mistake - he underestimated the power of the OFSTED inspectors. He'd assumed that they were ordinary Muggles, a mistake that many people make. He had no idea how to cope without his magic."

"What will happen to him now?"

"He'll be kept in a secure institution for the criminally insane. Harris and the other Aurors will be able to produce enough Muggle-style evidence to convict him of many murders. The Muggles don't have the death penalty in this country, but there's no way he'll be getting free. The Ministry will make sure that there are wizards on the staff of wherever he gets sent, and we'll warn the Muggle institution that this 'madman' has followers who may try to liberate him. That'll keep them on the watch for Death Eater attacks, which I think will be limited in number. Most of Voldemort's followers have become disenchanted with his leadership since he rose again."

As soon as the interview was finished and Harry's questions had been answered, Madam Pomfrey arrived to whisk him away to the hospital wing, where she used magic to tuck him into bed and gave him some chocolate to eat.

"Now that those inspectors have left, we can do things properly again." She huffed, although Harry noticed that she'd kept quite a few of the Muggle machines that Harris had provided for the hospital wing.

She let Hermione and Ron in, after much pleading from all three.

"Harry!" Hermione looked like she might have been crying. "We leave you alone for five minutes…" She flung her arms around him. Harry winced, whilst Madam Pomfrey had cleared the pain from the Cruciatus curse, he still had his bruises from rugby that morning.

"I shouldn't have left you, but Harris dragged us off to his office to yell at us." Ron tried to apologise, but Harry held up a hand to stop him.

"It doesn't matter any more. Voldemort's gone. It's over, we're safe now. The inspection is over and we can get back to normal."

Things took a while to get back to normal, however. Dumbledore, his long silver beard restored, had announced that anybody who wished to continue and pick up some Muggle qualifications was welcome to do so, and that special evening classes would be run in a few subjects. Harry and Ron decided that they had enough work to do catching up with their magical studies, but Hermione determined to continue and pick up a couple of 'AS' levels. Much to their surprise, so did Draco.

He'd apologised to Ron as soon as Harris had dismissed them that Friday afternoon, and they'd discovered that months of plotting together and pretending to hate one another had removed the malice from their insults. To their own amazement, they'd ended up friends. Draco still teased Ron about being poor, and Ron still called Draco a 'stuck up ferret', but they were also able to have a few civilised conversations.

Dean Thomas and various other students, including Ron Weasley, petitioned for football to remain on the school curriculum. It was decided that an inter-house football tournament would be played each year as well as the usual Quidditch. Hockey was dropped, to nobody's sorrow.

Professor Trelawney started a drama club, and stopped predicting Harry's death.

Mr Harris left school a few weeks after the inspection. He returned to his regular work for the Ministry. His first task was to remove Hogwarts from all future inspection lists.

Most of the Muggle rules were dropped. The dormitories were returned to their original state, and the offices were removed from the common rooms. After much pleading, the televisions were allowed to stay. Everybody was given back their wands and their boxes of magical belongings, unopened as promised. Ron returned his Chudley Cannons posters to the walls in their dormitory, but left his Muggle pictures in place. The electric lighting was kept in most of the castle, along with the central heating, although the fireplaces were restored for magical purposes. The computer room remained, and all staff and students were required to learn how to use the machines properly.

Beryl and Sue, the dinner ladies, hung up their overalls and went back to wherever they came from. The serving area was removed, and dinner was once again served the usual, magical way.

Owl post resumed, and twenty four students received overdue Howlers on the same morning. 

The ghosts came back out of their tower, with the exception of Peeves, who was discovered in early June still under his binding spell, in an old trunk, under a pile of dusty books, in the darkest corner of the least-used cellar.

Snape moved his classes straight back to the dungeons, untied his hair, changed back into his Muggle robes and reverted right back to his sarcastic self. It was possible to detect a slight thawing in his manner towards Hermione Granger, but you had to look hard for it.

Harry Potter finished the rest of his sixth year at Hogwarts, gaining six detentions, all from Snape, and passed his exams with reasonable marks. Gryffindor won the football cup for the first time, the Quidditch cup for the third time in four years and the house cup for the sixth time in sixth years.

Hogwarts School passed the OFSTED inspection, and was rated 'very good'.

"It's been a strange year." Harry mused as they boarded the Hogwarts Express for the journey back to platform 9 ¾. 

"You can say that again." Ron wedged Pig's cage into the luggage rack and draped his cloak over it to stop the little owl from hooting constantly. "OFSTED, You-Know-Who defeated, being friends with Malfoy."

"You playing football." Hermione joked as she settled into a seat. She'd managed to pass five 'AS' levels as well as all of her end of year exams. Ron grinned. He'd really taken to the Muggle sport, and was planning to teach his brothers next time they came home.

"It's going to be very peaceful next year." Harry said as the train pulled out of the station. "Nothing to worry about."

"Nothing to worry about? We've got NEWTs next year, remember!" Hermione sounded shocked.

"Some things never change." Draco Malfoy wandered into the carriage. 

"What do you want?" Ron's rude tone was clearly meant as a joke.

"Hermione leant me a book, I found it when I was packing and didn't get a chance to give it back before we left." Draco held out the book. Hermione got to her feet.

"Thanks Draco." She took the book back and started to stuff it into her bag, which was on the luggage rack above Ron's head.

"Harry, can I have a word with you outside?" Draco nodded his head towards the corridor. Puzzled, Harry stepped out of the carriage, and looked back in time to see Draco neatly knock Hermione's feet out from under her as he passed, toppling her into Ron's lap. He pulled the compartment door closed behind him without looking back and they both moved a few feet down the corridor.

"Nicely done." Harry grinned. Draco shrugged and smiled.

"I was fed up of them avoiding the subject." Hermione's squeals of outrage had quickly subsided, and Harry had a pretty good idea of what was going on back in the compartment.

"It's about time."

"If I had to watch them avoiding the subject for another year, I would have gone mad."

Harry grinning at the one person he never thought he'd be friends with.

"It makes me wonder what's left to happen next year…"


End file.
